The Devil's Dictionary

INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to — in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person’s fall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam.

Two theologues once, as they wended their way

To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray —

An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,

Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.

“‘Twas Predestination,” cried one — “for the Lord

Decreed he should fall of his own accord.”

“Not so — ‘twas Free will,” the other maintained,

“Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained.”

So fierce and so fiery grew the debate

That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;

So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground

And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round.

Ere either had proved his theology right

By winning, or even beginning, the fight,

A gray old professor of Latin came by,

A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye,

And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still

As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill

Of foreordination freedom of will)

Cried: “Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:

Atwixt ye’s no difference worthy of blows.

The sects ye belong to — I’m ready to swear

Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear.

You — Infralapsarian son of a clown! —

Should only contend that Adam slipped down;

While you — you Supralapsarian pup! —

Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.

It’s all the same whether up or down

You slip on a peel of banana brown.

Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,

But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!

G.J.

INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.

“All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. “Nay,”

The good philanthropist replied;

“I did great service to a man one day

Who never since has cursed me to repay,

Nor vilified.”

“Ho!” cried the cynic, “lead me to him straight —

With veneration I am overcome,

And fain would have his blessing.” “Sad your fate —

He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state

This man is dumb.”

Ariel Selp

INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.

INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.

INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out.

INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent — as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it “a black eye.” Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one’s ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one’s country, in the superiority of one’s civilization, in the importance of one’s personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one’s diseases.

IN’ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not class the soul as an in’ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man’s soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing both.

INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.)

“In the sky my soul is found,

And my body in the ground.

By and by my body’ll rise

To my spirit in the skies,

Soaring up to Heaven’s gate.

1878.”

“Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous.”

“Affliction sore long time she boar,