The Clicking of Cuthbert

divot; the men who talk while their opponent is driving; and the men

who let their angry passions rise--these are in and out of Wormwood

Scrubbs all the time. They find it hardly worth while to get their hair

cut in their brief intervals of liberty."

Alexander was visibly impressed.

"That sounds sensible, by George!" he said.

"It is sensible."

"I'll do it! Honestly, I can't see any other way of deciding between

Holmes and Dixon."

I started.

"Holmes? Not Mitchell Holmes?"

"Yes. Of course you must know him? He lives here, I believe."

"And by Dixon do you mean Rupert Dixon?"

"That's the man. Another neighbour of yours."

I confess that my heart sank. It was as if my ball had fallen into the

pit which my niblick had digged. I wished heartily that I had thought

of waiting to ascertain the names of the two rivals before offering my

scheme. I was extremely fond of Mitchell Holmes and of the girl to whom

he was engaged to be married. Indeed, it was I who had sketched out a

few rough notes for the lad to use when proposing; and results had

shown that he had put my stuff across well. And I had listened many a

time with a sympathetic ear to his hopes in the matter of securing a

rise of salary which would enable him to get married. Somehow, when

Alexander was talking, it had not occurred to me that young Holmes

might be in the running for so important an office as the

treasurership. I had ruined the boy's chances. Ordeal by golf was the

one test which he could not possibly undergo with success. Only a

miracle could keep him from losing his temper, and I had expressly

warned Alexander against such a man.

When I thought of his rival my heart sank still more. Rupert Dixon was

rather an unpleasant young man, but the worst of his enemies could not

accuse him of not possessing the golfing temperament. From the drive

off the tee to the holing of the final putt he was uniformly suave.

       *       *       *       *       *

When Alexander had gone, I sat in thought for some time. I was faced

with a problem. Strictly speaking, no doubt, I had no right to take

sides; and, though secrecy had not been enjoined upon me in so many

words, I was very well aware that Alexander was under the impression

that I would keep the thing under my hat and not reveal to either party

the test that awaited him. Each candidate was, of course, to remain

ignorant that he was taking part in anything but a friendly game.

But when I thought of the young couple whose future depended on this

ordeal, I hesitated no longer. I put on my hat and went round to Miss

Boyd's house, where I knew that Mitchell was to be found at this hour.

The young couple were out in the porch, looking at the moon. They

greeted me heartily, but their heartiness had rather a tinny sound, and

I could see that on the whole they regarded me as one of those things

which should not happen. But when I told my story their attitude

changed. They began to look on me in the pleasanter light of a

guardian, philosopher, and friend.

"Wherever did Mr. Paterson get such a silly idea?" said Miss Boyd,

indignantly. I had--from the best motives--concealed the source of the

scheme. "It's ridiculous!"

"Oh, I don't know," said Mitchell. "The old boy's crazy about golf.

It's just the sort of scheme he would cook up. Well, it dishes

me!"

"Oh, come!" I said.

"It's no good saying 'Oh, come!' You know perfectly well that I'm a

frank, outspoken golfer. When my ball goes off nor'-nor'-east when I

want it to go due west I can't help expressing an opinion about it. It

is a curious phenomenon which calls for comment, and I give it.

Similarly, when I top my drive, I have to go on record as saying that I

did not do it intentionally. And it's just these trifles, as far as I

can make out, that are going to decide the thing."

"Couldn't you learn to control yourself on the links, Mitchell,

darling?" asked Millicent. "After all, golf is only a game!"

Mitchell's eyes met mine, and I have no doubt that mine showed just the

same look of horror which I saw in his. Women say these things without

thinking. It does not mean that there is any kink in their character.

They simply don't realize what they are saying.

"Hush!" said Mitchell, huskily, patting her hand and overcoming his

emotion with a strong effort. "Hush, dearest!"

       *       *       *       *       *

Two or three days later I met Millicent coming from the post-office.

There was a new light of happiness in her eyes, and her face was

glowing.

"Such a splendid thing has happened," she said. "After Mitchell left

that night I happened to be glancing through a magazine, and I came

across a wonderful advertisement. It began by saying that all the great

men in history owed their success to being able to control themselves,

and that Napoleon wouldn't have amounted to anything if he had not

curbed his fiery nature, and then it said that we can all be like

Napoleon if we fill in the accompanying blank order-form for Professor

Orlando Rollitt's wonderful book, 'Are You Your Own Master?' absolutely

free for five days and then seven shillings, but you must write at once