The Broken Window

August, seven years old. Father and Mother have been fighting. The oldest of us, Lydia, is crying. Don’t leave don’t leave don’t leave…I myself plan for the worst, stocking up. Food and pennies-people never miss pennies. Nothing can stop me from collecting them, $134 worth of shiny or dull copper. Hide them in boxes in my closet…

November, seven years old. Father returns from where he’s been for a month, “scratching for the elusive dollar,” which he says a lot. (Lydia and I smile when he does.) He asks where the other children are. She tells him she couldn’t handle all of them. “Do the math. The fuck you thinking of? Get on the phone and call the city.”

“You weren’t here,” she cries.

This mystifies Lydia and me but we know it’s not good.

In my closet are $252 in pennies, thirty-three cans of tomatoes, eighteen of other vegetables, twelve of SpaghettiOs, which I don’t even like but I have them. That’s all that’s important.

October, nine years old. More emergency foster placements. At the moment there are nine of us. We help, Lydia and me. She’s fourteen and knows how to take care of the younger ones. Lydia asks Father to buy the girls dolls-because she never had one and it’s important-and he said how can they make money from the city if they spend it on crap?

May, ten years old. I come back from school. It took all I could do to take some of the pennies and buy a doll for Lydia. I can’t wait for her reaction. But then I see I made a mistake and left the closet door open. Father is inside, ripping open the boxes. The pennies are lying like dead soldiers on a battlefield. He fills his pockets and takes the boxes. “You steal it you lose it.” I’m crying and telling him I found the pennies. “Good,” Father says triumphantly. “I found ’em too and that must mean they’re mine… Right, young man? How can you argue with that? You can’t. And, Jesus, almost five hundred bucks there.” And pulls the cigarette out from behind his ear.

Want to understand somebody taking your things away, your soldiers, your dolls, your pennies? Just close your mouth and pinch your nose. That’s what’s it like and you can’t do it very long before something terrible happens.