The Black Swan

Or I could stay at Manorleigh. But that was different now. If Belinda had been here... but she had now become Lady Denver. And I was alone. But I need not be. And yet ... I was not in love with Roland. I liked him. In fact I was very fond of him. I enjoyed his company so much and that of his sister. When I looked back over the last months I realized that they had been the ones who had made life tolerable for me. I did not forget how they had cut short their stay in France so that I need not travel back alone.

If I said I could not marry him, what would happen?

He would go to Yorkshire and I should not see him for a while. I would probably not see much of them again. The thought depressed me.

He was waiting for me to say something.

‘Tm sorry, Roland.” I turned to him and it hurt me to see the expression of misery in his face. I knew then that I did care for him. I was very fond of both him and his sister. Her lively conversation, his calm strength, had meant a good deal to me during those days in France. I did not want to lose them. I went on, “You see, Roland, what happened was so devastating. It was so sudden.”

“I know. I understand perfectly.”

“I feel that I am still reeling from the blow.”

He nodded.

“It was not only my father. There was something else.”

“Please tell me, Lucie.”

“My engagement was going to be announced.”

“Your engagement!”

“Yes. It was to someone I had known for a long time. His people were great friends of my father’s. He was in politics. He went to Buganda... and was murdered.”

“Oh, my poor Lucie. I had no idea. I remember something... was it a group of MPs on some mission?”

“Yes. Joel and I were going to announce our engagement when he returned.”

“And you... were in love with him?”

“Yes.”

He put his arm round me and held me against him. I felt comforted.

“And you feel you could not love anyone else,” he said bleakly.

“I ... don’t know.”

“You must have been very young ...”

“Well, it was not so long ago, but I seem to have grown up a good deal since then.”

“I understand. You have not recovered from this blow. But you do like us ... you like me and you like Phillida, don’t you?”

“Of course I do. I’m very fond of you both.”

“You have been so badly hurt. First your father... and then this young man ... and in such a short time.”

“Life is like that, I believe. When misfortunes come it is not always singly.”

“I’m glad you told me. You were very much in love with him, weren’t you?”

“I ... thought so.”

“But you were very young.”

“I know that I was very happy when he asked me to marry him; and now he is gone.

He is dead... just as my father is.”

“I want to care for you. I want to bring you back to happiness. I want to show you that life can be good again.”

I just sat there with his arm about me while I stared at the graves and found myself wondering about the life and loves of those who were lying under the gravestones. They also would have had their tragedies to face; they would have been brought face-to-face with decisions which could shape their lives.

I knew that I wanted to stay there with him beside me. I did not want him to go away. I wanted a chance to forget the tragedies of the past and when I was with him and Phillida I could laugh and forget for a while.

He was right. I did need to start afresh, and even Rebecca could not help with that because she was too close to the tragedy.

Yet I hesitated. Thinking of Rebecca, I knew I must talk to her.

I said, “Roland, I have grown so fond of you and Phillida. But I am unsure. Marriage is not something which can be undertaken lightly.”

“By no means. You are going to say you need time to think about it. That is right, of course. You should think about it. That was what you were going to say, wasn’t it, Lucie?”

“Yes,” I answered.

He held me tightly to him. “Then I can continue to hope,” he said. “I think that when you leave for Yorkshire I shall go down to my sister Rebecca in Cornwall.”

“That seems a good idea.”

“She has been like a mother to me.”

“She is a wonderful woman. Both Phillida and I said that of her. We loved her because we could see how much she cared for you.”

“Yes,” I said. “I shall go to Rebecca.”

“And when you come back I shall have my answer?”

I nodded.

He kissed my cheek again lightly. “Oh, Lucie,” he said. “You can’t know how important it is to me that you say yes.”

As we walked slowly back to our horses, he slipped his arm through mine. I felt a great urge to say yes; but something restrained me. I did want to talk to Rebecca first.