Sashenka

Old Razum the driver, last night’s booze oozing out of cratered pores, arrived at dawn to take Vanya to the Moscow station. He honked beyond the gate, and Sashenka came out in her mauve nightie. It was a cool, bright, bracing May morning. The dew on the grass sparkled like a shower of diamonds, and the roses were budding. The children were already up and Carlo was jumping on their bed.

“Mama, can I tell you something…”

Vanya had been drinking all night and was sweating vodka. Sashenka watched as he went into the playroom to kiss the children. She knew he had many things he wished to say to them: bits of advice, sayings, mistakes to be warned against, gems all fathers wish to impart to their children before going on a journey. But the children were overexcited and would not even sit on his knee.

“I don’t want to kiss Papochka, do you, Snowy?” Carlo pointed at his father, who stood there in his full NKVD uniform, boots, cap, three tabs on his red collar, leather strap and holster.

“We only want to kiss Mama and Carolina. Daddy’s a scary monster! Daddy will eat us up and spit us out!” shouted Snowy, skipping like a frisky lamb. They jumped around him, and Sashenka watched—tears in her eyes—as Vanya caught them each in turn and pressed his face, his lips, his nose against them, just for a moment.

“Ouch, Daddy, you’re all prickly!” cried Carlo. “You hurt me!”

“I don’t want to kiss your prickly face,” said Snowy. “Kiss my lovely cushion instead. Take it with you!”

“You want me to take your favorite?” asked Vanya, almost overcome.

“Yes, so you remember me, but promise to send it back, Papochka!”

Vanya’s lips trembled as he took the little pink cushion and put it in his pocket, then he grabbed Snowy and held her for a moment. “Let me go, Papochka! You smell all funny!” And she scampered off, jumping over the two neat little canvas cases that stood by the door.

Vanya marched out, tears streaming down his unshaven cheeks.

Carlo ran after him. “Papa! I love you here,” he said, “in my heart. Let me stroke you because you’re crying.” Vanya stopped and picked up his son, and Carlo mopped up the tears with his bunny rabbit.

“Why are you sad, Papa?” asked Snowy on the veranda.

“I don’t like going away from you,” said Vanya, putting Carlo down gently. “I’ll be back soon but when I’m away, if you ever wonder where I am, look up at the stars in the sky like I’ve shown you. Wherever the Big Bear is, that’s where I’ll be.”

Sashenka came with him to the door. He took her in his arms, lifted her up and squeezed her so tight that her slippers fell off.

“Marrying you…,” he could barely articulate the words, “…best decision…ever. Don’t worry, this’ll blow over, but if not we have our plan.” He turned to Carolina and bowed low.

Carolina looked down and pushed her strong jaw forward, then she offered her hand and he shook it, standing straight as if he were on parade. “Thank you, Carolina!” Then he grabbed her too and hugged her spare, scrawny body.

Razum had turned the car round. Vanya climbed in and they drove away. Sashenka watched it go and ran back inside and threw herself onto her bed. How could all this be coming to an end? She still could not quite believe it.

She tried to imagine where Benya Golden was, and Mendel, but she could not do so. A ruthlessness had entered her spirit: there was no one but her and Vanya and the children now. No one. She should feel pity for Benya who loved her, and Mendel too—but she didn’t. Let them perish so that she and her children could be together.

She felt weight on the bed.

“What’s wrong? Mamochka’s crying. Are you sad Papochka’s gone away?” asked Snowy.

“Mama, Mama, can I tell you something? I’m going to kiss you and stroke you, Mama,” said Carlo. His brown eyes turned cloudy, like a seducer in a movie, and he kissed her hard right on the lips.

“Darlings?”

“Yes, Mama.”

“You might be going on a journey, a great adventure.”

“With you and Daddy?”

“No, I don’t think so, Snowy. But you love Carolina, don’t you? You might be going with her and you know never to talk about your family or anything you’ve heard at home.”

“We know that already,” said Snowy very seriously. “Papa always says: ‘No chatter!’”

“What about you and Daddy?” Carlo asked, his eyes anxious.

“Well, Carlo, we might come along later. If or when we can…But we’ll always be around you, always…”

“Of course you will, silly!” said Snowy. “We’re going to be together for ever and ever.”

29

Sashenka drove them back into the city on Sunday afternoon. And then it started.