Polynya

“I think he’s been poisoned,” Enway says, but no one really pays attention to her.

Hiccup smacks his spiked club against his shield. The wolf bolts forward, nips at the goblin, and returns to Oric’s side after the warrior whistles for him.

“Fick!” The goblin lets loose a squeaker that instantly befouls the air. The wolf’s nose twitches at the smell, but it isn’t long before he quickly returns to his aggressive stance.

“You won’t like him when he’s angry,” Oric coughs. The Unigaean warrior is back on his feet now, just barely, and it takes him longer than expected to lift his sword.

Ryuk’s eyes return to the wolf’s stats.

Tagvornin Wolf Level 38

HP: 2296/2296                

ATK: 679        

MATK: 0

DEF: 521

MDF: 236

LUCK: 19

 

The wolf will be difficult, Ryuk thinks, but this guy only has 100 HP left.

Zaena steps to the front of the group with two of her four swords drawn. The wolf growls at her and she ignores him. “I respect a warrior who will fight to the end,” she says, and just as Ryuk is thinking Zaena has turned over a new leaf, the Thulean asks, “How would you like us to bury you and your dog?”

“Fick yeah!” Hiccup calls out from the back of the group. Somehow, the goblin has managed to weasel his way behind Enway, so he is the last person in line, furthest away from the action.

“Easy, babe.” FeeTwix places a hand on her shoulder and she bristles. “Let’s not handle this that way.”

His weapon zips away and a bag of Purina Taste of the Wild Lamb, Buffalo and Rice formula appears in his hand. He steps around Zaena, rips open the package, and proceeds to pour it out in front of the Mitherfickers.

“Is this a fickin’ ad read or something?” Hiccup asks.

“Are you hungry?” FeeTwix asks the big wolf. The beast looks from his owner to the Swede.

(0)__(0)

“His name is Wolf,” Oric says, as the pony-sized canine goes to work on the pile of dog food that FeeTwix has laid out.

“That’s like Liz’s mom naming her Liz!” Hiccup snorts. “Fick me, I’m funny. Hey!” He swats at the air, hoping to catch Zaena’s ghost limbs in the act. “Enough with the konoshlo, Lizzy, it’s late and I’m already creeped out.” He shivers, looks around, and eyes a particular shrub suspiciously for a moment. “Better not be any ghosts up here.”

“Wolf loves the food,” FeeTwix says, “but most dogs do. I, um, need to get my GPS bullet out of him. Unless you want to.”

Oric gives him a funny look. “You shot my dog?”

“Well, yeah. But it’s pretty easy to get this particular bullet out. Painless really, you just have to flash this little device I have … ” FeeTwix rummages around in the pocket of his overcoat. “Ah! Here it is. Flash this over it and the bullet will release its barbs. Then you just push it out. I can do it, but you probably should, seeing how you’re his owner and whatnot.”

Oric limps forward and takes the small device, which is about the size of a credit card.

“Know where you shot him?”

“In the hind leg – right leg, I believe.”

Oric presses a button and red light appears. He runs it over his wolf’s right leg as it eats, and sure enough, a beeping sound lets him know he’s found the bullet. Once the barbs have retracted, he smooths his hand over Wolf’s fur and the bullet drops out.

“You want the bullet back?”

“Um, sure.”

Ryuk switches to instant messaging.

Ryuk: He’s level 58. Everyone saw that, right?

FeeTwix: Noted.

Zaena: He is very powerful.

Hiccup: That’s what she said. Fick me, I’m funny.

Ryuk: This may be a little presumptious, but what if we ask him to join us? I mean, he needs to heal up, obviously, but you saw what we just went up against back there. Tomas was in the fifties, and I’m guessing the next enemy the Shinigami throw at us will be equally leveled. Tamana is leveling up too.

Hiccup: The fick you just say?

Zaena: We’ll need to be careful, but I don’t see any problem with improving the strength of …

Hiccup: The Mitherfickers. We have a name and if I’m not mistaken, I’ve never heard you use it.

FeeTwix: Not a bad plan at all. Plus I like dogs.

Ryuk: Is that why you had dog food in your list?

FeeTwix: Damn skippy. I had a dog named Rex in Dead City. He was one killer Pomeranian!

Ryuk feels someone tug on his hand. He turns back to see Hiccup scowling at him.

“Marbles, I swear to the Empress, kid, I like you, I really do, especially after your balls dropped a few days back, and sure, you need to visit a whorehouse with me to keep those nuts hanging, but that’s beside the point. Where was I?”

Ryuk starts to sigh and Hiccup cuts him off.

“No, don’t remind me. I remember– extreme vetting. Whatever happened to extreme vetting? Remember the ban? I’m calling it a ban, there, I said it, and don’t for a minute think that a mangy wolf the size of a Chiup hog and fickin’ He-Man over there with his dumbass sword of doom are going to pass the test.”

“Test?” Ryuk shoos Hiccup away.