Polynya

Rather than respond, she steps onto the goblin’s body and up to the bench to give herself more leverage.

“Hey!” Hiccup shouts as she springboards off his body and out of the wagon, performing an advanced display of aerial swordsmanship. The Thulean performs a superhero landing, and her limbs whip into the air as she goes for her patented blade-nado.

“Stay here!” Ryuk shouts to Enway.

“Fick!” Hiccup cries as a Magic Gorger shrieks past his face. “This isn’t the time to be a hero, Marbles!”

“I can heal you guys,” Enway says, “just keep fighting!”

“Fick no! That’s what they’re searching for. They’re Magic Gorgers, they thrive off magic power!”

Ryuk strains to hear her reply over FeeTwix’s deafening metal percussion. The Swede finishes his mag and takes cover for a moment so he can go for a new weapon.

“What about your slingshot?” Enway yells.

“Fick, Marbles, you’re a magic user too, you dimwit!” The goblin looks up at him with panicked eyes. “But do something, kid, because … fick! Ghosts!”

Another shrieking ghoul flies overhead followed a blazing green trail of energy. FeeTwix has a Proton Pack on his back now, and is trying to blast the Magic Gorger with a weapon Ryuk has never seen before.

The Gorgers are fast, and as more start to arrive, it becomes increasingly apparent that nothing the Mitherfickers fling at them is going to stick. Ryuk again goes for his Marble Gun, only to have it swiped down by Hiccup.

“What part of they’re magic gorgers do you not understand, Marbles!? They … thrive … off … magic!”

FeeTwix dodges a Magic Gorger and leaps behind a small mound of dirt. He comes back up with a BT X-42 Heavy Flamethrower and attempts to toast the swooping wraiths. The Swede burns through the tops of the trees as he trails two of the deathly ghouls.

“Enough!” Marty the Gnome hops down from his seat and walks around to the back of the wagon. “You were smart not to use any magic,” he nonchalantly tells Ryuk and Enway, who are still ducking down to avoid the wraiths. “Had you used magic, these creatures would have eaten you from the inside.”

Why’s he so casual? Ryuk thinks as a terrifying Magic Gorger comes inches away from his face, gnashes its teeth, and continues on.

“Now, are you ready to upgrade to the Silver Ruby Bonus Package?” Marty asks over the mayhem. “The diversity discount no longer applies – sorry, time sensitive – but I could keep the cost at thirty thousand rupees because I’m not able to cover the wagon remotely, nor do I have time to set up the open bar. How does that sound?”

Another ghoul passes in front of him and Hiccup fires off a squealer.

“Fine!” Ryuk coughs as he’s enveloped by a spicy goblinic aftermath.

“Transfer money first, then the enemies will be dealt with!” Marty places his hands behind his back and smiles smugly. “Sorry, business is as business does!”

“I’ll fickin’ kill him!” Hiccup scrambles to get out of the wagon but Ryuk and Enway hold him back. A Magic Gorger spins just above Hiccup’s head, and he screams out and drops another trouser bomb that can be heard over the screeching gorgers, Zaena’s swordplay, and whatever weapon FeeTwix is currently firing.

“Yoooooy!” Hiccup cries out in anguish at his painful flatulence.

“Fuck!” Ryuk can damn near taste the peppery dragon wing stench that now befouls the air. Enway starts to gag and it’s not long before she’s ralphing over the other side of the wagon.

“Feetwix!” Ryuk cries out. “Transfer thirty thousand to Marty now! NOW! He’ll handle the gorgers!”

FeeTwix lowers some advanced shooting iron. “You sure?” he calls over the schwing of Zaena’s swords.

“Do it, dammit!”

Marty’s face suddenly lights up. “Good!” The gnome shoots Ryuk the thumbs up and takes a few steps away from the wagon.

“What the fick is he doing?” Hiccup asks, his lip quivering. “We’re all gonna die! And did you dumbficks actually pay him thirty thousand rupees? Do you know how much Wizardous–?”

His budding diatribe is interrupted when Marty begins to unhinge his jaw and stretch it away from his face. The gnome’s friendly eyes roll back into his head and he puts both hands on either side of his cheeks and opens his mouth until he can no longer stretch his hands wide.

“What in the actual fick!?”

Marty spreads his legs wide, curls his body backwards, and after a thunderous exhale, he begins sucking in air rapidly. The Magic Gorgers closest to Marty zip into his mouth, and soon, a whirling vortex has opened before the gnome, as everything is sucked into his waiting maw.

The air whips all around the Mitherfickers.

FeeTwix has to hold onto one of the trees he’s scorched not to be sucked up. Zaena stabs two swords into the ground and uses all her strength to keep from being ripped away from the soil. Hiccup covers his head with his smallest shield and Enway grabs onto Ryuk’s arm, anchoring herself for dear life.