Polynya

Hiccup’s horned helm appears on his head. “I can’t believe I forgot to equip my helmet. No wonder I wasn’t getting that much loot. Speaking of which … ” He searches the three they’ve just killed. “Sweet! One of the archers has some ink shadow tears. I dunno what the fick he has these for, but with the bearadillo hide I scored and my Tuskarr Tusks, it’s high time I get to crafting something!”

He can craft?

Hiccup stands, scratches his ass and looks up at Ryuk. “What were we doing again?”

“Honey Trap. It’s a fun game. Just walk up there a ways and lead anyone and everyone to this point here.” Ryuk motions with his marble gun. “Zaena and I will take care of the rest.”

The goblin nods as a conniving grin spreads across his face. “Not a bad plan at all, Marbles. Glad I came up with it!”

(0)__(x)

For the next forty minutes or so, the three Mitherfickers whoop the living hell out of a good number of lesser guilds. Their honey trap strategy remains the same: Hiccup lures them in and Ryuk and Zaena pick them off.

The goblin has even gotten a little creative with it – defying all laws of physics and violating international treaties both in the Proxima Galaxy and in the real world, the robust goblin has somehow managed to get a bright pink tutu over his armor, and has taken to mocking their opponents by aiming his rectal turbulences in their general direction.

While Ryuk hasn’t received any new skills,  he and Hiccup have both moved up a level, meaning Ryuk is now able to pass to the second floating continent of Tritania – Polynya – and Hiccup is one level away from doing so. Zaena has also gained a level.

Ryuk quickly checks their stats in a brief break between combat:

Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 15 Ballistics Mage

HP: 323/445                

ATK: 97          

MATK: 128

DEF: 76

MDF: 49

LUCK: 12

 

Hiccup Level 14 Shield Thief

HP: 579/620              

ATK: 82        

MATK: 14

DEF: 181

MDF: 85

LUCK: 27       

Zaena Morozon Level 17 Brawler Assassin

HP: 580/610          

ATK: 180        

MATK: 8

DEF: 98

MDF: 34

LUCK: 14

 

A new group approaches – a Warrior, a Brawler, and a Rogue – and Ryuk thinks, more fickboys, after he sees that the three are all below level seven. Two thoughts race through him at this point: one, he doesn’t like being cocky so he feels a bit guilty for that; two, he actually thought in Hiccup’s bawdy patois.

“Yoo-hoo, boys, it’s your mothers’ favorite goblin treat.” He does a little curtsy and lets loose a squeaker. “One on three? I call those good odds! Whoever dies first gets a tomahawk in the ass!” He brandishes a comically small tomahawk, no longer than an unsharpened pencil. “Bring it, you fickwads!”

Ryuk doesn’t pay much attention to their stats. At their levels, there is no way they’ll be able to take down the Mitherfickers, especially with their artillery disadvantage. He aims his marble gun at the sweet spot and, like the battle before, he waits for Hiccup to scuttle on through.

The three lower leveled guildmates give chase and only the Rogue slides to a halt after he sees the bodies stacked in the shadows on either side of the honey trap. He yells out to his compadres, but by this point Zaena has already taken one down with a well-aimed arrow while Ryuk pumps the other full of black and molten marble.

Instakill! Instakill!

The word appears in the air amidst a misting of blood.

“Sheeeyooot!” The Rogue turns to run the other way and makes it all of four steps before an arrow brings him to the ground.

Hiccup makes a running leap and a large ax appears in his hands in midair. He comes down hard with his knees on the back of the rogue, piledriving his ax into the back of his head and bringing him sudden death.

Instakill!

“Whew!” The goblin waddles to his feet and wipes some blood from his ax onto the Rogue’s clothing. As he has for everyone else they’ve killed, Hiccup grabs the Rogue by the leg and drags him over to the side of one of the fisheries, leaving a trail of crimson behind him. He checks him for loot and kicks the rogue when he finds none.

He does the same with the other two. He then walks over to their blood trails and tries to kick up some dust to cover them.

Zaena: The goblin needs one more level, then we’re good.

Hiccup: THE GOBLIN HAS A FICKIN’ NAME. Why are Thuleans so racist? Why do I always want to go to my safe space after a couple hours with you?

Zaena: Are you not a goblin?

Hiccup: Are you not a lizard?

Zaena: We will discuss this later.

“Like fick we will,” Hiccup grumbles as he gets into position. “And by the way, next time we play this little game, I get to be the ballistics expert and Ryuk gets to be the honey trap.”

“But … ” Ryuk bites his tongue, knowing better than to argue with a cranky goblin with a bright pink topknot wearing a matching tutu.

Zaena: Weapons up.