Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

Over the tail end of Britney's song, I can hear The Clash wailing in my head, Should I stay or should I go?

I can't think with all these voices! I snap at the driver, "Lighten Up, Motherfucker." I bet Where's Fluffy are playing that conservative backlash song this very moment. Sucks that I am missing it. Nick's fault.

In a flash, the driver turns around to face me. "You want to sit in this cab and decide where to go, I don't care. It's your money." He points to the meter, still running. Time is always fucking me over. "But I'll tell you what I tell my five daughters when they get fresh. This is a gentleman you're talking to, not a casting director for The Sopranos. Watch your mouth or get out of the cab."

"Okay," I say. "Sorry." I bet he's a really nice dad. I bet his daughters make his favorite foods from Kazakhstan for him and nag him about getting his prostate checked regularly. "But could you at least change the station?"

"Deal," he says. The next station is playing "I Fall to Pieces" by Patsy Cline. I have no choice but to cry. The driver hands me a box of Kleenex from the front. "Want to tell me about it?"

"Boys are idiots," I tell him, sniffling. If I'm a horrid bitch from the planet Schizophrenia, it's because boys make me one. "I hope you don't let your five daughters date them."

"I try not to," he laughs. "I try."

I ask the driver to turn his headlights off while we idle at yet another curb. I want to think before I decide whether or not to talk to Tal, and I don't want Tal to notice me in this cab before I've had time to figure this out.

The last time I saw Tal was also at Lou's club, before Tal took off for the kibbutz, just after he dropped out of Columbia. We were in the back hallway after a show, the club room empty and darkened, smelling of beer and piss and cigarettes, littered with bottles and cups and shirts and the accumulated, spent energy of that night's mosh. Tal stood over me-too tall Tal, he's almost 6-foot-4-and had to crouch down to meet my lips. His kiss was wet, sloppy. I used to suspect this was true, but before, I didn't have much comparison. "Norah," Tal whispered, and it was the Israeli half of his inflection I heard, whereas the other tired word in his English vocabulary-"baby"-usually came out with the American side of his accent. When I was sixteen his Israeli accent saying "Norah" did sound hot to me, exciting, but at eighteen I heard it differently: it was grating, ugly, like phlegm choking up from the back of his throat instead of a wanton call.

Caroline had two guys fighting over her outside the club, and I think Tris must have been with Nick at that point, because I was all alone with Tal with nothing else to do. It was soon after our fifth and supposedly final breakup, and all I wanted from Tal was for him to shut up so we could get down to business. Tal generally preferred to read the Forward while whacking off in his dorm room instead of have sex with me, so it must have been a dream come true for him in the back hallway of the club-there I was, doing the work for him, without wanting anything in return. He was satisfied to let this happen and not speak to me or touch me back.

I was dead inside then, my hand cramped from the motion. Tal didn't protest when I left the hallway to step into Lou's office. He knew where I was going. He liked to be kept waiting for his release. I found the Jergens in Lou's office. I had intended to finish what I started, but stepping out of that moment, however briefly, changed my mind. I thought, I can be up on my straight-edge high horse because I don't drink or smoke or do drugs, but what does that all matter in comparison to this new low I am stooping to with Tal? He's kind of a creep; he doesn't even like me. I wondered-was it that I was frigid or that we just had no chemistry?

I placed the Jergens bottle back on the desk and snuck out the rear office door to the alley to release myself. I hadn't seen or heard from Tal since, until tonight. She talks a great game, but when you actually get to the field, you realize it's fucking empty. Maybe I shouldn't be so mad at Tal's review of me to Nick earlier tonight. I did last leave him with blue balls.

I am curious how Tal came to be back in my world, but getting out of this cab to ask Tal the question- Why did you come back to Manhattan? — may be more of a waste than the meter I am allowing to run through my time and money while I sit in this backseat. Why does anyone come here? Mere words defy that answer. The question is too big.

Whatever Tal came back here for, I'm sure he didn't come back here for me. But if he did, he's even stupider than me. How is it that two people with near-perfect SAT scores could have so little intelligence when it comes to each other?