Myth-Gotten Gains

The Toadies still in the room dove for one of the exits. Tananda, Calypsa and I grabbed up the Hoard and followed them, but we weren't fast enough. The armored newts spotted us. They bellowed. Their riders turned to see what they were looking at.

"Strangers!"

"Take them!" the captain shouted.

Waving their hooks, a couple of the biggest Toadies turned their newts toward me. I ducked as they galloped past. When I sprang up again, I saw they had hooked one another. I grinned, but it didn't last for long. Another soldier came thundering my way, spear at the ready.

"Oil, fast," I ordered Asti. "Make it slippery."

"What? All right." The Cup filled with a viscous green liquid. I tossed it out under the feet of the onrushing lizard. Its beady eyes widened, but it was too late to backpedal. Its front feet slid forward, with the back feet still windmilling. It did a respectable death spiral, whirling with its head between its feet. I would have awarded them six points, but the rider went flying into the nearest tent. It collapsed under him.

"Next time keep your knees clenched!" I jeered at him.

I felt a poking sensation at my back. I turned to see a dozen other soldiers, still securely in their saddles, pointing spears at my back. Slowly, I lifted my hands in surrender.

They had already rounded up Calypsa and Tananda. I clutched Asti, hoping that she would have the sense to keep her lip zipped. All I needed was to have the treasures confiscated when we were so close to having collected the whole set.

"How dare you assault my officers?" the captain asked, staring down at me. "I am Captain Horunkus of the Royal Collection Agency!"

"Well, Horunkus, if someone told you that wig made you look like Shirley Temple, you ought to sue them," I advised. "I am Aahz, Royal Magician of the Palace of Vaudeville!"

"A royal wizard," he said, but he didn't sound too impressed. His eyes were pinned on Asti and Payge. "You are strangers! Rich strangers."

"What about it?" I snarled, flexing a claw or two. "Try and take these, and we'll make your lives miserable. Didn't you see how we bested half a dozen of your best men?"

"I did notice...Er, did you not know that to visit this esteemed city of Sri Port, you must pay a visitor tax? You must have a tourist visa to be here!"

"No one sold us one at the gates," I said. That was true, after all.

I could see him making a mental note that the excise officers manning the gates were to be awarded one horse-whipping

each, or whatever penalty they used around there. Horunkus curled his upper lip.

"Well, then, I will collect it, so you do not have to go to the trouble of returning to the gate where you entered." He wrote energetically on the electronic tablet in his hands. "Yes. Half a gold piece each, please."

The 'please' was punctuated with a jab from the spears.

"Watch it, buddy!" I snarled. "I can't reach my wallet if you're poking me." I hastily stuffed Asti back in her bag, and tucked Payge under my arm. I tried to be discreet about the contents of my purse, but this Toady must have had some Deveel blood in him. At the chink of coin, he perked up still further.

"You are also carrying goods of more than five gold pieces in value. Those artifacts in your possession are worth more than that, are they not?"

"What if they are?" I asked.

"Please submit an estimate of their current market value." "Why, they are priceless!" Calypsa said. "Do you not know that this is the great sword..."

"Hsst!" I hissed at her. "Ix-nay on the eech-spay!"

Her potion-based language talent struggled for a moment, but enlightenment finally dawned upon her face. "I am so sorry, Aahz!" she said. "I wished but to extol the virtues..."

"Don't extol. Don't talk. They're gold-plated goodies, Horunk," I said. "Street value, about five gold pieces each. The sword's just a letter opener. Nothing special. In the markets of Bupkis, you can find stuff like this in every stall."

"Lying to me will cause the items to be confiscated at once!" Horunkus boomed, as much as an overgrown toad can boom.

"You try and take them," I said, showing all my teeth. The soldiers holding the spears on me backed up a pace.

"You're the ones who are armed," the captain roared at them. "Keep him under guard!"

"I swear on my mother's grave, Horunk, these are junk!" I said.

"Who are you calling junk?" Ersatz boomed.

"Who said that?" the captain demanded, looking around.

"She did," I said, pointing at Tananda. "She's a ventriloquist. She's an entertainer who travels with me to amuse me."

"Take the goods into safe-keeping," Horunkus said. "If they lack value, as you say they do, then they will fail the standard assay test."

"You can't take them!" Calypsa brayed.

"Why not?" Horunkus asked.