Lament for a lost lover

“One thing I insist on in my wife is truthfulness.”

“And I hope when you find one you will give her the same in return.”

“Why fight the inevitable?”

“I think you are the most arrogant man I have ever met.”

“I confess you are not the first to have told me this.”

I wrenched myself free and turned away. I broke into a run, but he was beside me, the rose basket on one arm, the other he thrust through mine and held it tightly against him.

“Now, dearest Arabella, you will go into the house and think over what I have said.

Remember again how delightful it was when I held you in my arms. Brood on the pleasures that await us. Then you can think of Edwin ... the living one, I mean. Let us forget that other. He is dead and gone and best not brought back to live in your thoughts. You are better without him. Forget he past, Arabella. Perhaps it wasn’t quite what you thought. Pictures are different when seen from afar. It is wise not to look too closely at them. So look ahead. Just think what this would mean. This our home for the rest of our lives. So many problems are solved.”

“I begin to see your motives.”

“It is very agreeable when so many things are in our favour.”

“You have always wanted Eversleigh, haven’t you?”

“Who wouldn’t?”

“And it will come to Edwin. You want to control it ...”

“I control Eversleigh now, Arabella. I have since I was of an age to do so. My uncle being in the King’s army cannot give his estates the attention they need. We have always realized that.”

“But there will come a time when Edwin is of age ...”

“We have much to enjoy before that day. Let us make the best of life.” I wrenched myself free from him. “I shall certainly not do that with you, “I said.

I ran into the house, leaving him standing there holding the rose basket.

I did not miss it until much later, which showed to what a state he had reduced me. I could not stop thinking of him, and I tried hard to think of Edwin and how much I had loved him and how wonderful our life would have been. As if anything could ever be like that again, even with a kind and gentle man like Geoffrey. I avoided Carleton. This seemed to amuse him. When we were together in the company of others, I would find his eyes on me, mocking. What arrogance, I thought. He really believes I shall find him irresistible.

There was a great deal of anxiety over the Dutch war and we were constantly hearing disturbing news. Everyone was talking about the chain shot which the Dutch had invented and which was doing such harm to our ships, and orders were given that cattle must be driven off Romney Marsh in case the Dutch should come in and steal them. In July we won a victory over them, but there were great losses on both sides.

However it was decided in August that there should be a thanksgiving service and Lord Eversleigh thought we should go to London to take part in it. Geoffrey came down to Eversleigh to tell us about the service and what was going on in London. The weather had been much cooler and there was great relief that there had been no return of the plague that summer. There was a serenity about Geoffrey as though he had come to some conclusion. I guessed what it was, and I was right, because during that visit he asked me to marry him.

It seemed strange that I should have had two proposals of marriage within a few weeks of each other, but perhaps not so strange. I was sure Carleton had suspected Geoffrey would ask me soon and wanted to get in first. That amused me. At the same time I did not want Geoffrey to ask me ... yet. I had been considering marriage with him for some time, and there had been occasions when I had almost convinced myself that it would have been perhaps the best thing. Now I was very uncertain. He had brought new kites for the boys, and they were very eager to try them so we took them out-of-doors and I watched Geoffrey with the children and noticed how they shouted to him and treated him as though he were an elder brother-young enough to play with them and yet older to have special knowledge and give them help when needed. I sat in the sunshine on the stone bench near the willow with flowering shrubs on either side. It was a delightful afternoon, warm and sunny. I felt a certain contentment sitting there watching my son and marvelling at his beauty and giving grateful thanks for his good health, listening contentedly to the buzzing of the bees as they hovered about the lavender. There would be good honey this year, I thought.

Geoffrey came and sat down beside me. I said: “It was good of you to bring them kites.”

“I know how they like them. Look. Edwin’s is flying higher than Leigh’s.”

“Leigh won’t like that.”

“No, he’s a boy who will have to be curbed more than Edwin, I think.”

“Yes, he has a more arrogant nature. Edwin reminds me so much of his father.”

“He was gentle was he ... good-natured?”

“He hated trouble. He wanted everybody to be happy. Sometimes I think he would have done anything rather than cause trouble.”

Geoffrey nodded slowly. “Do you still think of him?”