Lament for a lost lover

“It is always better to believe the best of oneself. After all, there are so many people to believe the worst. But enough of this. I want to marry you. You are too young to live as you do. You need a husband. You need me. I have wanted this for a long time, but now that I am free to make the proposal there is no need for further delay.”

“No delay is necessary. Your proposal is declined.”

“Arabella, I am going to marry you.”

“You have forgotten that it takes two to agree to marry.”

“You will agree. I promise you.”

“Don’t be so lavish with your promises. This one is certainly going to be broken.” He caught my chin in his hand and forced me to look at him. “I can make yet another promise. Once you are mine you will never want to leave me.” I laughed. A wild excitement had taken possession of me. If I were honest, I would admit that I hadn’t enjoyed anything so much for a long time. It was so wonderful to be able to deflate his pride, to let him know that I had no intention of letting him tell me what I should do.

“Then ... I shall never be yours, as you put it.”

“Don’t be too sure of that.”

“I am completely sure of it.”

“You are making a mistake, Arabella.”

“In refusing your offer?”

“No, in thinking that I shall not take you.”

“You talk as though I’m a pawn on a chess board.”

“More important than that. A very important piece, in fact. My queen.”

“Still to be used at your will.”

“Yes,” he said, “at my will.”

“I’ve had enough of this.” I rose.

“I have not,” he said, and rising with me placed both his hands on my shoulders and forced me down on the seat.

“I see that you would make a rough-mannered husband,” I said. “When the occasion demands it, but on every occasion you will find me just the right husband for you.”

I said seriously: “There has only been one who can be that and I thank God that he was, even briefly.”

He raised his eyes to the sky. “The sainted Edwin,” he said.

“Pray do not mock him.”

“You are like everyone else, Arabella. You disappoint me. I always thought you were different. As soon as a man’s heart ceases to beat he becomes a saint.”

“I did not say Edwin was a saint. I said he was the most wonderful man I ever knew or ever shall know and no one else can take his place with me.”

“It’s a mistake to deify human beings, Arabella.”

“I loved Edwin,” I said seriously. “I still love Edwin. Can’t you understand? No one ... no one ... can take his place with me.”

“You’re wrong. Someone will supplant him. That is what you are going to discover when you marry me.”

“I want to hear no more.”

“You shall hear more. I am going to talk to you ...”

He was silent suddenly and I looked at him in amazement. His mood had changed. He said: “Do you think I am afraid of the dead? I am afraid of no one, Arabella. Certainly not saints with feet of clay. They can topple so easily.”

“Stop sneering at Edwin. You are unworthy to unlatch his boots.”

“Boots are no longer unlatched and that remark would be considered highly irreverent by Jasper.”

“I am not concerned with Jasper.”

“But you should be concerned with truth.”

“I am going back to my roses,” I said. “Your wife is so recently dead ...”

“Barbary would laugh at that if she heard you. You know what our marriage was like.”

“All the more reason why I should refuse you. She has set an example of what not to do.”

“But you are not Barbary.”

“You would never be faithful to any woman.”

“A challenge, my dearest Arabella. Just think how exciting it would be for her to make me.”

“She might not think it worth the trouble. Barbary didn’t.”

“Poor Barbary. She knew it would be hopeless. But why do we constantly talk of the dead? I’m alive. You’re alive. We’re two vital people. You’ve been only half alive for many years, it’s true. Come out of your shell and live.”

“My life has been full and interesting. I have had my child.”

“Oh, come. You have shut yourself in with the dead. You have built a shrine and worshipped at it. It’s a false shrine. Edwin is dead. You are alive. You have a child. You need me. I can make you happy. I can help bring up your son. We’ll have our own ... sons and daughters. I want you, Arabella. From the moment I saw you, I wanted you. All this time I have been patient. But I can stand aside no longer. I’m going to wake you up ... show you what you have been missing. You’re a woman, Arabella, not a romantic girl.”

“I know exactly what I am, Carleton. I know what I want and that it is not to marry you. Now ... good afternoon.”

I stood up and started to stalk away, but as I did so I tripped over the rose basket. He caught me and his arms were round me. I felt him tilt back my head and kiss my throat. I was overcome by horror because I wanted him to go on. He had aroused memories of lovemaking with Edwin and I felt ashamed of my feelings. I forced myself back from him and he looked at me mockingly, still holding me. “Pride goeth before a fall,” he said. “If I had not been here to rescue you, you would have slipped. You see, it’s symbolic. You need me to protect you.”

“I never needed anything less.”