Lament for a lost lover

“There is something about her,” I assured her. “I daresay most men would be attracted ... temporarily.”

“What do you know of her?”

“Please come away from here. Let us go where we can talk.”

“Come to my room,” she said.

I felt a wave of exultation. I knew I had come just in time and prevented a tragedy. I felt flushed with triumph and sure that I’ll talk to her, reason with her, turn her away from this dreadful thing she had been about to do.

She took me to her bedroom. It was smaller than the one I shared with Harriet. It had the remains of some grandeur, though like the rest of the chateau it showed signs of shabbiness. She sat down and looked at me helplessly. “You must think me mad, “she said. “Of course not.” How should I have acted if I had found that Edwin loved someone else?

“But it is so weak, isn’t it? To find life so intolerable that one is ready to give it up.”

“One should consider those left behind,” I pointed out. “Think of the effect it would have on your mother, on Edwin ... and Charles ... He would never forgive himself.”

“You’re right,” she said. “It’s a selfish gesture ... when there are those who would suffer. It’s a sort of revenge, I suppose. One is so hurt one looks about to hurt others ... or at least one doesn’t greatly care if they are hurt.”

“I am sure when all these things are considered, you would not take that sort of action. It was something you contemplated on the spur of the moment.”

“If it hadn’t been for you I should be lying down there on the stones ... dead.”

I shuddered.

“I suppose I should say thank you for saving me from that. I should feel grateful, but I am not sure that I do.”

“I don’t want you to feel grateful. I only want you not to do it again. If the impulse came to you and if you stopped awhile to consider ...”

“What it would do to others ...”

“Yes,” I said, “just that.”

“I don’t want to live, Arabella,” she said. “You don’t under? ? You are lively, attractive, people like you. I am different. I’ve always been aware of being unattractive.”

That’s nonsense. It is because you retire into yourself and don’t try to make friends that you have this feeling.”

“Edwin is so good looking, isn’t he? I noticed it in the nursery It was always Edwin people noticed. My parents showed their preference. So did our nurses. Look at my hair ... straight as a poker. One of our nurses used to try to make it curl. But half an hour after it emerged from the curl papers, it was as though I had never endured the discomfort of them. How I hated those curl papers. They were significant in a way. They meant that all the efforts in the world couldn’t make me into a beauty.”

“Beauty doesn’t depend on curl papers. It comes from something within.”

“Now you’re talking like the priests.”

“Oh, Charlotte, I think you’ve built up this aura round yourself. You’ve made up your mind you’re not attractive and you tell everybody so. I should be careful. They might believe it.”

“It’s one thing I have been successful in then, for they do.”

“You are wrong.”

“I am right ... proved to be by ... this.” Her voice broke suddenly. “I thought he really cared for me. He seemed so sincere ...”

“He did. I know he did.”

“So it seemed. She only had to beckon.”

“She is exceptional. It is unfortunate that we came here. Sometimes I wish ...”

“She is evil.” Charlotte was looking at me steadily, and her eyes glowed with prophecy. “She calls herself your friend, but is she? I sensed the evil in her ... the moment I saw her. I didn’t know she would take Charles ... but I knew she would bring disaster. Why did you bring her here?”

“Oh, Charlotte,” I cried, “how sorry I am. How I wish I hadn’t.”

She softened suddenly and looked at me with real affection. “You must not blame yourself.

How could you have known? It is I who must thank you for saving me from that folly.”

“We are to be sisters,” I said. “I’m glad of that. At least this has Vit us together. Let us be friends. That is possible, I know.” r don’t make friends easily. When I was at parties before we here I was always the one in the corner, the one who was I wanted when there was no one else. That seems to be my role in life.”

“It is you who make it so.”

She laughed bitterly. “You are stuffed with homilies, Arabella, I think you have a lot to learn about people. But I am glad you were there tonight.”

“Promise me this,” I said. “If you ever think of such a thing again, you will first talk to me.”

“I promise you,” she said.

Then I rose and went to her. I kissed her cheek. She did not respond but she coloured faintly, and my heart was filled with pity for her.

She said: “It isn’t going to be easy, is it? Everyone will know that he has gone. Poor Mama, he was her hope. A third son, not much prospects, but what can we hope for... for poor Charlotte?”

“There,” I said. “Self-pity! It’s not going to be like that in the future, Charlotte.”

She looked at me disbelievingly.

“Don’t forget,” I said. “You promised me.”