Lament for a lost lover

You know how it has always been with me. I am the outsider ... the disappointment. Even my parents couldn’t a hide their exasperation with me sometimes. I never shone at parties. I remember hearing my mother say once, “How are we ever going to find a husband for Charlotte?” I was fifteen d at the time. I was so desperately unhappy I decided to take a my life. Cut my veins as the Romans die. So you see when you found me at the parapet there it was not the first time I had contemplated taking my life. It was a sort of balm to my anger. They’ll be sorry then, I would say, and would be comforted contemplating their sorrow. People who constantly threaten a suicide for the discomfiture of others rarely do it. But there can come a time when there is no turning back. I’m giving myself the luxury of writing to you now and I must resist the temptation to go on and on. I have to be brief.

I thought I was going to marry Charles Condey but Harriet spoilt that. If I had married him I might have settled down and become an ordinary wife-not very exciting, of course, but then Charles was not exciting. He was the one for me. How I hated her. I could have killed her. When I found out Edwin was her lover I was comforted in a way. I had not been the only one who had suffered. It shows you my nature, which is not at all admirable, I fear. Then we came home and when I saw Carle ton I admired him so much. He seemed to be in command of his life as I never could be. He is the sort of person I should have liked to be. My parents were always saying what a pity it was he was married to Barbary, and when she died I heard them say, “Now if Carleton married Charlotte, what a marvellous solution that would be.” I don’t think I should have thought of it as a possibility but for that. Then I started to think about it. Why not? It would be convenient. Married to Carleton. I thought that would be wonderful. I almost loved Harriet for preventing my marriage to Charles Condey.

Then you married Carleton so suddenly and unexpectedly because you’d always seemed to dislike each other. I hadn’t thought of you as a rival. It wasn’t that I hated you. I could never do that. I just hated life and fate or whatever you call it which had been against me from the start. I watched Harriet. I saw how she used people and I said to myself, why shouldn’t I use people too? Of course I know she is very handsome and amusing and people are attracted by her, but if you have none of these gifts you can be subtle and clever and work in the dark. So that was what I did.

I thought that if you died Carleton would be so distressed he would turn to me. I believe my mother would have done everything she could to bring about a marriage between us. I knew how Carleton felt about you. I’d seen him watching you. I know him well. I know all people well. When you don’t have much life of your own, you watch other people ... you live other people’s lives. The sound of his voice when he spoke of you ... the look in his eyes. I knew that if you died he would not care very much, and if it was convenient, which it would have been, and if there was a little gentle persuasion from the family ... someone to look after the children ... it could well be. That was what I worked for. As. r-for Harriet, he disliked her. I don’t know what it is about the people like those two. They are both experienced with the other sex ... both very attractive to people ... and yet -e with each other there is an instant dislike. He hated Harriet n being in this house. He hated her influence with you. I knew that he would never marry her - nor she, him, unless it was f to get control of Eversleigh. And that was Edwin’s. She was proud to have her Benjie next in line, but she was leaving that to fate. She would never hurt Edwin. All she wanted was a place of comfort. That was what she had worked for all her life. So it was you I wanted out of the way. I wanted Carleton. He saw how I liked the children. He once said to me: “You Y should have had children, Cousin Charlotte.” That seemed r-to me a signpost. I started to plan. I knew how things were between you. I understood you both well. He was angry because he thought you cared for Edwin as you never could for 3t him, and you couldn’t forget how Edwin had deceived you t. and you thought Carleton was doing the same. You were -e both of you pouring poison into the marriage cup. You deserved to lose each other.

I used to dream of the years ahead, Carleton and I married, children of our own. That was what I wanted. Then I would ‘ be able to forget everything that led up to it. I’m telling you this because I hate loose ends. I want you to understand why I did what I did. I don’t want you to say: