Lament for a lost lover

I softened as I always did when he showed me affection. I wanted to say: “Yes, I will marry you. After what has happened I must marry you.” On the other hand it would be for the convenience of them all, and after having been so cruelly deceived by Edwin, how could I be sure that Carleton was not deceiving me in the same way? “I want time,” I said. “Time to think.”

“You need that ... now?”

“Yes, I do, and I shall have it.”

I turned away from him and went into the house.

In the afternoon the party returned in the carriage. They were full of their adventures and could talk of nothing else. I listened, I must admit, with divided attention, for I could not but be amazed by all that had happened since I had last seen them. Charlotte came to my room in the early evening and said: “Something’s happened. You seem different.”

“Do I?” I tried to sound surprized. I glanced round my bedroom and the bed which last night I had shared with Carleton as though I thought there must be something there to betray me. “In what way?”I asked. She shook her head. “I don’t know ... but you seem ... excited and at the same time ...”

“Yes?” I prompted, playing for time and wondering what she had noticed.

“I don’t know. I can only say ... different.”

“I was very anxious on the first day when you didn’t come back. It was late before I heard what had happened.”

“Yes, Carleton said you would be worried and he would ride back to tell you.”

“It was a relief,” I said. “Well, we shall be going back to Eversleigh soon. I must confess I am longing to see the boys.”

Charlotte said no more of the difference in me, but I did catch her looking at me rather intently as the day wore on.

It was just before suppertime when the messenger came. There was some consternation, for his livery proclaimed that he was from the King.

During the digging after the fire, workmen had discovered Roman walls and tessellated pavements beneath the streets, and the King was greatly excited. He knew that Carleton had some knowledge of these matters and he wanted him to come to Court without delay. He wanted to talk with him and the next day they would pay a visit to the site.

Carleton, of course, had no alternative but to leave at once. We returned to Eversleigh. We had been away much longer than we had intended and the children were delighted to see us. I had to tell them about the great fire and they listened round-eyed to the details of falling masonry, blazing roofs and molten lead running through the streets.

“Shall we have a fire here?” asked Leigh wistfully.

“Pray God not,” I replied sharply.

I was not sorry that Carleton had been called away. I wanted to think about the future and I found it easier to do that when he was not near.

I wondered what Edwin would feel about the change in our relationship. He did not dislike Carleton. Of course he had not the same feeling for him that he had for Geoffrey. Was that because Geoffrey had gone out of his way to interest and amuse? Both boys loved Uncle Toby who attracted them to him effortlessly. I could not ask Edwin outright how he felt about Carleton. In any case I didn’t want to talk about Carleton. I really wanted to put him out of my mind. I was still stunned by my easy surrender, and in a way-perhaps unfairly-I blamed Carleton for it. I made a habit of going to the arbour where Edwin’s body had been found. It was a gloomy place, hidden from the house by a shrubbery. As a place where murder had been committed it was neglected. No one cared to go near it, particularly after dark. I knew the servants avoided it, and so did the gardeners. The foliage round it was overgrown and rarely tended. It was a wooden structure and must once have been a very pretty retreat, secluded enough for privacy. The window through which the shot had been fired was now boarded up. No one had ever suggested that it should be replaced. I looked inside. It smelt damp and musty. There was a bench, a wooden chair and a small table with iron legs. I forced myself to step inside, and I stood there, imagining them together. A good place for an assignation. I saw the key hanging on a nail near the door. They could lock themselves in. They had forgotten that someone could have looked in from outside. Old Jethro ... the avenging prophet!

Why did I come here, to exacerbate my wounds, I asked myself? I let myself picture the self-righteous Jethro, watching the lovers’ meeting, peering through that now boarded-up window at their abandoned lovemaking. I wondered if he had watched salaciously.

That would not have surprised me. And then he brought out his gun and killed Edwin, taking him in the very act, which was scarcely what a Christian should do, since according to Jethro’s beliefs, Edwin would go to eternal damnation without hope of remission of his sins.

Surely Jethro’s would be the greater crime in the face of heaven?

I often sat in the kitchen and talked with Ellen.

“Did you know Old Jethro?” I asked.