Lament for a lost lover

I was a little afraid of myself. I was thankful that he had not been there when I awoke and realized how my life had changed overnight. I thought then of my mother and my father in the days when he had been married to my Aunt Angelet. The passion which had flared up between them, of which she had written so vividly that even before I had experienced such emotions I had understood. I was like her. I needed that which was called fulfillment. During the last years since Edwin’s death I had been only half alive. I had been living in a false world. I saw that now, and how inevitable it was that sooner or later I was going to let Carleton become my lover.

Why Carleton? Why did I not accept Geoffrey’s honourable offer of marriage? Because instinctively I had known that Carleton was the man for me. His virility could call forth a response in me. That I disliked him seemed to be no deterrent. Physically we were a perfect match. That I had discovered, and it was something he-with his knowledge of women and the world-had known immediately. He might feel that marriage with me was good for his ambitions, but at the same time it suited his physical needs. I had grown up overnight.

Perhaps that was something I should be grateful for.

There was a knock on the door. The maid came in with hot water.

She said “Good morning, mistress,” and drew back the curtains. I expected her to show by some way that she noticed the change in me. Surely I must seem different after my experiences? But she set down the water and brought me a note.

“Master Carleton went off early this morning, mistress. He left this note for you.”

I wanted to tear it open but had no wish to appear overeager.

I yawned, I hoped convincingly.

“Not a very good morning, Em,” I said.

“Still raining, mistress. I believe it’s been raining all through the night.”

Yes, I thought, the patter of rain against the windows ... lying there with him ... just not wanting to move away ... forgetting everything but the need to be there.

‘”Tis to be hoped milord and milady and the others will get the coach set to rights.”

“I daresay they will, Em.”

She went out and I opened the note.

It was brief. “I have had to go out on Court business. I shall return during the day. C.”

No indication that anything unusual had happened. I felt a rush of disappointment. How could he go like that after what had happened? Was he implying that there was nothing extraordinary? It was all very natural that he and I should become lovers? It was what he had always suggested. Was he laughing in triumph now?

I felt angry with him and with myself. How could I have been so weak, so foolish!

It was the impulse of a moment, I told myself. I had had a shock and he was there.

He had dulled my resistance with his strong wines. What was that he had given me? It had acted like some witch’s love potion. Perhaps it was. I could hardly imagine his trafficking with witches. But he was capable of anything. I washed and dressed. I was thankful that I did not have to face him yet.

I was very pale. I found a little rouge and rubbed it into my cheeks. That was better. I thought how I had loved Harriet. She had been as a sister to me. I had been really upset when she had gone away. If I had known ...

But what a stupid innocent I had been!

How long and dreary was that day. Nothing happened. I stood at the window watching the raindrops. The grass was sodden. The last of the leaves were rapidly being tossed to the ground and there was a wet bronze carpet on the grass. Why didn’t he come in? How like him to go off on business. I didn’t believe it. Where was he? I wondered if he were with a woman. A feeling of intense rage possessed me.

I should hate her and him. I could never trust anyone again. Oh, Edwin Harriet .. ? how could you? How could I ever bear to look at Leigh again?

In the early afternoon a messenger came to the house. I ‘ran down to greet him, sure that he came from Carleton. He did not. He was from my mother-in-law. They had had greater difficulties with the coach than had seemed likely yesterday. A spoke in one of the wheels had been damaged and was being repaired. This meant that they would be away for one more night. If the rain would stop it would be easier. They would be with me tomorrow without fail.

The evening came and Carleton had not returned.

I was angry with him. He had succeeded as he always said he would. Was that what he wanted? One single victory.

I ate alone-or made a pretence of eating. How different from last night. I found myself longing to see his dark, clever, wicked face opposite me. I wanted to hear his voice mocking me. I wanted to respond.

I retired early. I went to bed. I tried to sleep but I could not. I could not read because I kept going over the events of last night.

It must have been nearly midnight when my door opened and he was there. He wore a loose night robe.

I felt faint with baffling emotions as he looked at me.

“I did not know you had returned,” I stammered.