Identity Theft and other stories (collection)

Color me surprised! (Or maybe that should be colour— you guys still doing that “u” thing? You do know the NorAm Economic Union is going to standardize spellings soon, right?) Anyway, Ontario Clean Water Inc. outbid Pepsi—for the U.S. rights. All the characters in your next novel are going to be kicking back cool, clear Canadian H₂O—the best that money can buy (as we New Yorkers well know)!

Hey, speaking of Canada, I wish I’d bought Canadian biotech stocks ten years ago—you guys are going through the roof! Who’d’ve thunk that the United States would fall so far? But I guess when you stop teaching evolution in the schools, you end up with no competent life scientists. And when you ban stem-cell research and all that, well, it’s no surprise that someone else is picking up the slack.

And, on the topic of Canuck ingenuity, man, I love that lawsuit you guys have brought in the World Court! Seeking a royalty on compasses because the magnetic north pole is in Canada—doing that takes Timbits! Still, I guess if it’s possible to claim ownership of parts of the human genome—and all sorts of companies do!—you should be able to do the same with other natural phenomena, no? I suppose I’m not the first to suggest that if you win the case, the royalty will come to be known as the pole tax … :)

Your taxing representation,

Jock

“Software licenses are perhaps the only product besides half-eaten food, underwear and toothbrushes, which can’t be resold.”—Computer scientist Jordan Pollack

* * *

To: Robert J. Sawyer

From: Big Name Author Multimedia Agency

Date: February 14, 2018, 12:02 p.m. EST

Subject: And speaking of taxes …

I always forget about taxes when thinking about life up there in the Great Green-Now-ln-Lots-of-Places North. I saw that piece on the GlobeSunStar site (hey, remember printed newspapers—man, I’m showing my age!) about your tax-freedom day now coming so late in the year that it coincides with your Thanksgiving. Guess that finally gives you guys a real reason to celebrate that holiday, you Pilgrimless plagiarists, you. Hey, maybe we should launch an intellectual property suit over that! I mean, maybe McWendy’s should—it’s their holiday now.

Yours in literature,

Jock

P.S.: By the way, did I ever tell you how much I love the new novel? Man, if it were still possible to get people to actually buy intellectual property, instead of copying it for free, I bet we could have sold a ton. Ah, well, at least you’ve got the Canada Council for the Arts up there, until it gets outlawed as an unfair subsidy, and I know its juries love science fiction … don’t they? Hey, shouldn’t I be getting a cut of your grants? No, no, Rob, put that meat cleaver down … :)

“If you cannot protect what you own, you don’t own anything.”—Jack Valenti, President of the (defunct) Motion Picture Association of America

About the Author

Robert J. Sawyer is one of only seven writers in history to win all three of the worlds top awards for best science fiction novel of the year: the Hugo (which he won for Hominids), the Nebula (which he won for The Terminal Experiment), and the John W. Campbell Memorial Award (which he won for Mindscan); the other winners of all three are David Brin, Arthur C. Clarke, Joe Haldeman, Frederik Pohl, Kim Stanley Robinson, and Connie Willis.

In total, Rob has won forty-one national and international awards for his fiction, including ten Canadian Science Fiction and Fantasy Awards (“Auroras”), three Japanese Seiun awards for Best Foreign Novel of the Year, and the Premio UPC de Ciencia Fictión, the world’s largest cash prize for SF, which he’s also won three times. In addition, Rob has won the Science Fiction Chronicle Reader Award, the Analytical Laboratory award from Analog Science Fiction and Fact magazine, and the Crime Writers of Canadas Arthur Ellis Award, all for Best Short Story of the Year. He’s also won the Collectors Award for Most Collectable Author of the Year, as selected by the clientele of Barry R. Levin Science Fiction & Fantasy Literature, the world’s leading SF rare-book dealer, and the Galaxy Award—Chinas top honor in SF—for Most Popular Foreign Author. In addition, he’s received an honorary doctorate from Laurentian University and the Alumni Award of Distinction from Ryerson University.