Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

RON (summoning confidence): You know, Harry’s boy Albus — said to me the other day that he thought you and I were — married. Ha-ha. Ha. Ha. Ridiculous, I know.

HERMIONE: Very ridiculous.

RON: He even thought we had a daughter. That’d be strange, wouldn’t it?

The two lock eyes. HERMIONE is the first to break away.

HERMIONE: More than strange.

RON: Exactly. We’re — friends, and that’s all.

HERMIONE: Absolutely. Only — friends.

RON: Only — friends. Funny word — friends. Not that funny. Just a word really. Friends. Friend. Funny friend. You, my funny friend, my Hermione. Not that — not my Hermione, you understand — not MY Hermione — not MINE — you know, but . . .

HERMIONE: I know.

There’s a pause. Neither of them move the smallest inch. Everything feels too important for movement. Then RON coughs.

RON: Well. Must get on. Sort Panju out. Teach him the finer arts of mustache grooming.

He walks on, he turns, he looks at HERMIONE. She looks back, he hurries on again.

Your hair really does very much suit you.

ACT TWO, SCENE EIGHTEEN

HOGWARTS, HEADMISTRESS’S OFFICE

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL is onstage on her own. She looks at the map. She frowns to herself. She taps it with her wand. She smiles to herself at a good decision made.

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Mischief managed.

There’s a rattling.

The whole stage seems to vibrate.

GINNY is the first through the fireplace, and then HARRY.

GINNY: Professor, I can’t say that ever gets more dignified.

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Potter. You’re back. And you seem to have finally ruined my carpet.

HARRY: I need to find my son. We need to.

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Harry, I’ve considered this and decided I want no part of it. Whatever you threaten, I —

HARRY: Minerva, I come here in peace, not war. I should never have spoken to you that way.

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: I just don’t think I can interfere in friendships and I believe —

HARRY: I need to say sorry to you and sorry to Albus, will you give me that chance?

DRACO arrives behind them with a bang of soot.

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Draco?

DRACO: He needs to see his son, and I need to see mine.

HARRY: Like I say — peace — not war.

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL studies his face; she sees the sincerity she needs to see. She takes the map back out of her pocket. She opens it up.

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Well, peace is certainly something I can be part of.

She taps it with her wand.

(Sighs.) I solemnly swear that I’m up to no good.

The map is lit into action.

Well, they are together.

DRACO: In the girls’ bathroom on the first floor. What on earth would they be doing there?

ACT TWO, SCENE NINETEEN

HOGWARTS, GIRLS’ BATHROOM

SCORPIUS and ALBUS enter a bathroom. In the center of it is a large Victorian sink.

SCORPIUS: So let me get this right — the plan is Engorgement . . .

ALBUS: Yes. Scorpius, that soap, if you may . . .

SCORPIUS fishes a soap out of the sink.

Engorgio.

He fires a bolt from his wand across the room. The soap blows up to four times its size.

SCORPIUS: Nice. Consider me engorgimpressed.

ALBUS: The second task was the lake task. They had to retrieve something which was stolen from them, which turned out to be —

SCORPIUS: — people they loved.

ALBUS: Cedric used a Bubble-Head Charm to swim through the lake. All we do is follow him in there and use Engorgement to turn him into something rather larger. We know the Time-Turner doesn’t give us long, so we’re going to be quick. Get to him and Engorgio his head and watch him float out of the lake — away from the task — away from the competition . . .

SCORPIUS: But — you still haven’t told me how we’re going to actually get to the lake . . .

And then suddenly a jet of water emerges from the sink — and after it ascends a very wet MOANING MYRTLE.

MOANING MYRTLE: Whoa. That feels good. Never used to enjoy that. But when you get to my age, you take what you can . . .

SCORPIUS: Of course — you’re a genius — Moaning Myrtle . . .