Feet of Clay

‘Our Constable Angua comes from there,’ said Vimes. ‘Now … it says here your first name is … can’t read Fred’s handwriting … er …’

There was nothing for it. ‘Cheery, sir,’ said Cheery Littlebottom.

‘Cheery, eh? Good to see the old naming traditions kept up.^{7} Cheery Littlebottom. Fine.’

Littlebottom watched carefully. Not the faintest glimmer of amusement had crossed Vimes’s face.

‘Yes, sir. Cheery Littlebottom,’ he said. And there still wasn’t as much as an extra wrinkle there. ‘My father was Jolly. Jolly Littlebottom,’ he added, as one might prod at a bad tooth to see when the pain will come.

‘Really?’

‘And … his father was Beaky Littlebottom.’

Not a trace, not a smidgeon of a grin twitched anywhere. Vimes merely pushed the paper aside.

‘Well, we work for a living here, Littlebottom.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘We don’t blow things up, Littlebottom.’

‘No, sir. I don’t blow everything up, sir. Some just melts.’

Vimes drummed his fingers on the desk. ‘Know anything about dead bodies?’

‘They were only mildly concussed, sir.’

Vimes sighed. ‘Listen. I know about how to be a copper. It’s mainly walking and talking. But there’s lots of things I don’t know. You find the scene of a crime and there’s some grey powder on the floor. What is it? I don’t know. But you fellows know how to mix things up in bowls and can find out. And maybe the dead person doesn’t seem to have a mark on them. Were they poisoned? It seems we need someone who knows what colour a liver is supposed to be. I want someone who can look at the ashtray and tell me what kind of cigars I smoke.’^{8}

‘Pantweed’s Slim Panatellas,’ said Littlebottom automatically.

‘Good gods!’

‘You’ve left the packet on the table, sir.’

Vimes looked down. ‘All right,’ he said. ‘So sometimes it’s an easy answer. But sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes we don’t even know if it was the right question.’

He stood up. ‘I can’t say I like dwarfs much, Littlebottom. But I don’t like trolls or humans either, so I suppose that’s okay. Well, you’re the only applicant. Thirty dollars a month, five dollars living-out allowance, I expect you to work to the job not the clock, there’s some mythical creature called “overtime”, only no one’s even seen its footprints, if troll officers call you a gritsucker they’re out, and if you call them rocks you’re out, we’re just one big family and, when you’ve been to a few domestic disputes, Littlebottom, I can assure you that you’ll see the resemblance, we work as a team and we’re pretty much making it up as we go along, and half the time we’re not even certain what the law is, so it can get interesting, technically you’ll rank as a corporal, only don’t go giving orders to real policemen, you’re on a month’s trial, we’ll give you some training just as soon as there’s time, now, find an iconograph and meet me on Misbegot Bridge in … damn … better make it an hour. I’ve got to see about this blasted coat of arms. Still, dead bodies seldom get deader. Sergeant Detritus!’

There was a series of creaks as something heavy moved along the corridor outside and a troll opened the door.

‘Yessir?’

‘This is Corporal Littlebottom. Corporal Cheery Littlebottom, whose father was Jolly Littlebottom. Give him his badge, swear him in, show him where everything is. Very good, Corporal?’

‘I shall try to be a credit to the uniform, sir,’ said Littlebottom.

‘Good,’ said Vimes briskly. He looked at Detritus. ‘Incidentally, Sergeant, I’ve got a report here that a troll in uniform nailed one of Chrysoprase’s henchmen to a wall by his ears last night. Know anything about that?’

The troll wrinkled its enormous forehead. ‘Does it say anything ’bout him selling bags of Slab to troll kids?’

‘No. It says he was going to read spiritual literature to his dear old mother,’ said Vimes.

‘Did Hardcore say he saw dis troll’s badge?’

‘No, but he says the troll threatened to ram it where the sun doesn’t shine,’^{9} said Vimes.

Detritus nodded gravely. ‘Dat’s a long way to go just to ruin a good badge,’ he said.

‘By the way,’ said Vimes, ‘that was a lucky guess of yours, guessing that it was Hardcore.’

‘It come to me in a flash, sir,’ said Detritus. ‘I fort: what bastard who sells Slab to kids deserves bein’ nailed up by his ears, sir, and … bingo. Dis idea just formed in my head.’

‘That’s what I thought.’

Cheery Littlebottom looked from one impassive face to the other. The Watchmen’s eyes never left each other’s face, but the words seemed to come from a little distance, as though both of them were reading an invisible script.

Then Detritus shook his head slowly. ‘Musta been a impostor, sir. ’S easy to get helmets like ours. None of my trolls’d do anything like dat. Dat would be police brutality, sir.’

‘Glad to hear it. Just for the look of the thing, though, I want you to check the trolls’ lockers. The Silicon Anti-Defamation League are on to this one.’

‘Yes, sir. An’ if I find out it was one of my trolls I will be down on dat troll like a ton of rectang’lar buildin’ things, sir.’