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I don’t know if you’ve ever had to wait for a diamond to pass through your gastrointestinal system, but generally speaking it’s not an arduous process. You simply let nature take its course and in the meantime you get on with your life. Only in my case it was slightly complicated by the fact that my humans had fed me a few spoons of milk, which causes diarrhea in a lot of cats, me included. And the second complication was the knowledge that people were waiting for me to poop out a million-dollar gem made me slightly anxious—which luckily also aided in the digestive process! And since Odelia wanted me close by so she could monitor my progress—or that of the diamond—I was grounded, which didn’t bother me in the slightest. I am, after all, a homebody.

Dooley had decided to keep me company, and was watching me like a hawk, and Brutus and Harriet were in the vicinity, too, having a nice nap underneath the rose bushes in the backyard while Dooley and I enjoyed a lie-down on the smooth lawn. And so the long day wore on, with Odelia popping her head out of the upstairs window from time to time to check on me, and me feeling like a sick pet and taking it easy, even though technically I wasn’t sick—just silly enough to swallow a priceless gem!

“I think we should take it easy, Max,” said Dooley when I got up to stretch. “We don’t want to exert ourselves.”

“I’m fine, Dooley,” I said. “I’m not actually sick, just inconvenienced.”

“We don’t look fine, Max. We look… constipated.”

I grimaced. It was true that in spite of Tex’s ministrations nothing was happening, if you know what I mean. “Maybe milk isn’t strong enough. Maybe I need an actual laxative.”

“A laxative? You mean something that will make us poop?”

“Yes, Dooley. That’s what a laxative is. It makes you go poop. And what’s with all the ‘we’ stuff? I’m the one with the diamond up his… keister.”

He thought about this for a moment.“Maybe grass?” he suggested. “Grass might get things moving down… there.” He vaguely gestured to my lower strata.

“Trouble, boys?” asked Brutus, who’d come wandering up, followed by Harriet.

“Nothing I can’t handle, Brutus,” I said, perhaps a little curtly. Frankly I could do without the black cat’s advice.

“We can’t poop,” announced Dooley, the inveterate blabbermouth. “And so we’re thinking about eating some grass.”

“We?” asked Harriet. “Did you swallow a diamond, too?”

But Brutus was laughing.“You want to eat grass? Like a cow? That’s hilarious!”

“Not like a cow, Brutus,” I said. “It’s a generally known fact that cats eat grass to help with their digestion.”

“Wanna know what I think?” said Brutus as he regarded me thoughtfully.

“No, Brutus, I do not want to know what you think.”

“I think that diamond is stuck down there. And now the whole process is blocked.” When I produced a light laugh at this, he continued, “I’m not trying to be funny, Max. When an object as large as that diamond gets stuck in your intestine, whether it be the small intestine or the large, it creates a blockage that could be fatal if not immediately remedied.”

“Fatal!” Dooley cried, in a panic all over again.

“Nothing is stuck, Brutus,” I assured him. “It just takes time. It’s only been, what, two hours? And the whole process takes seven to twelve hours.” Tex had told me this, and I believed him.

“Do you want to take that chance?” Brutus said, cocking an eyebrow at me. “Cats have died from this, buddy. And as your good friend I’m telling you that you should go and see a doctor. Pronto.”

“Oh, God,” said Harriet, rolling her eyes. “Not again.”

“Odeliaaaa!” Dooley was already screaming. “Odeliaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

Odelia’s head popped out of the bedroom window so fast she hit it against the top of the frame. “Ouch. What’s wrong?”

“The diamond is stuck in Max’s butt and he needs to see the doctor NOW!” Dooley screamed. “Or he will DIEEEEEEEE!”

“Wait, I’m coming down,” said Odelia. And indeed moments later she joined us on the lawn. “What’s all this about the diamond being stuck?”

“Max hasn’t pooped yet,” Brutus explained, “so that diamond is probably stopping up his whole system, and that is a very dangerous situation, and one that should be handled ASAP.”

“Max?” Asked Odelia, directing a concerned look in my direction. “Are you in pain right now? Do you feel as if something’s blocked down there?”

“I feel fine!” I assured everyone. “So stop worrying. The doctor said this could take hours.”

“Have you pooped yet?” asked Brutus. “It’s a simple question.”

“No, I haven’t.”

“I rest my case,” said the butch cat.

“Mh,” said Odelia, then took out her phone, and moments later was consulting with her dad. When she hung up, she had a look of concern on her face, a look I certainly didn’t like to see there! “He says to come in. He’ll take another X-ray to see how far the diamond has progressed through your system.”