Changing Planes

To judge by the photographs, Hollo-Een! Island swarms with pumpkins, I can’t tell whether honest pumpkins or plastic ones. There is a fairground with roller coaster, spook rides, tunnel of horrors, etc. The natives running concessions, waiting tables, cleaning rooms, etc., are dressed as witches, ghosts, space aliens, and Ronald Reagan. There is “Trick or Treating Every Evening! Safe! Supervised! (All candy guaranteed safe and healthful).” While the children are being led about from house to house of Spook-E-Ville, the parents can watch any one of “One Hundred Horror Movies” on the big-screen TV in their suite in Addams House or Frankenstein’s Castle.

I detected a slightly stuffy note in Cousin Sulie’s voice when she gave me the brochure. Its text contains an inordinate number of blandly but insistently reassuring statements from Protestant ministers of various denominations. They all describe Hollo-Een! as clean, safe, wholesome family fun. Absolutely nothing “harmful” or “disturbing.” But I am sure the keen noses of true believers sniff that brochure for brimstone, and their keen eyes discern, on those alien sands, the print of the cloven foot.

The promotional material for Fourth Island is far more lavish and not at all defensive. From the Permanent Living Reenactment of the Flag Raising on Iwo Jima to the Rockets’ Red Glare Four-Hour Fireworks Display every night, from the

United We Stand Steak House by way of the statue-lined Avenue of the Presidents to the Under God Indivisible Prayer Chapel, it is all on a grand scale, and every last piece of it is red, white, blue, striped, and starred. The Great Joy Corporation is evidently expecting or receiving patriotic visitors in great numbers. Interactive displays of the Museum of Our Heroes, the Gun Show, and the All-American Victory Gardens (salvia, lobelia, candytuft) feature large on the Web site, where one can also at all times recite the Pledge of Allegiance interactively with a chorus of five thousand virtual schoolchildren.

Accommodations on Fourth Island range from The ** George Washington Country Inn to The ****** George W Bush Grand Luxury Hotel and Suites. (It was foolish of me to hope for a grim motel with hourly rates called The Last Resort of Scoundrels.)

In comparison to the high-rises over white sand beaches, blue sea, red umbrellas, the imposing avenues, and the marble vistas of Fourth Island, Valentine’s Island looks cozy and old-fashioned. It is of course heart-shaped, and Truelove Town is heart-shaped too. Lots of pink and white, lots of lace, lots of honeymoon suites, and second honeymoon suites, and eternal honeymoon suites, at the Chocolate Box Hotel. Bicycles built for two may be rented. Smiling native children dressed— barely—as cupids are photographed aiming paper arrows at smiling couples in bowers of artificial roses. “Well, I suppose if you were in the right mood, with the right person, it might be nice,” says Cousin Sulie, turning over the leaflets a little disdainfully.

The brochure for New Year’s Island says “all facilities brand-new.” There appears to be in fact only one facility: a vast hotel. It has fourteen banquet rooms and six grand ballrooms and a golf course on the roof. The only picture taken out of doors is a view of a great open courtyard strung with Chinese lanterns. New Year’s Island is evidently designed for brief visits, a few hours or a single night, by travelers who have not much time to spend and want to spend it at a party, for aside from the golf course that is all the entertainment offered—”The Party of Your Life!”

Actually a wide choice of parties: one in a gilded ballroom, with balloons and waltzes and an orchestra; one in a “Green-which Village Flapper Days Loft,” with jazz and bootleg gin; one in a “Cheers-Type Bar,” one at a “Sixties Hippie Love-In,” and so on. An appropriate costume for the evening, from ball gown or black tie to purple mohawk wig and temporary nose and lip studs, may be rented. Studying the faces in the photographs of parties in progress, I’d guess that an appropriate companion for the evening may also be rented. Among the dancers, at the buffet tables, clinking champagne glasses, are a lot of pretty, young women and handsome, fortyish men. They are all slender, all dark, and all smiling. They don’t look like tourists. The tourists do.

I got the impression from these brochures that a visit to the Great Joy Corporation’s plane might be quite expensive, though no prices are listed. If you call the 800 number or try to find out on the Net, they just assure you that transportation to the plane is “absolutely free,” and suggest brightly that you’ll want to bring a “valid credit card.” Cousin Sulie tells me that “it isn’t half as bad as that place with the funny name in Florida that Sally Ann insisted on us going to. Honey, those people, they’ll skin you.”