Birthdays for the dead

Might be an idea if everyone kept their heads down for a while.

You think? Silence on the other end. And then Weber was back. Professional Standards. From Aberdeen.

I know.

Means they don t trust us to police ourselves. Which to be honest is fair enough, but still, there s the principle of the thing. We need a result, sharpish. A clunk and Weber was gone.

Yeah, we d get a result sharpish, because that s how it worked. Didn t matter that the official task force had been after the bastard for eight years: Weber needed a result to keep Grampian and Tayside from finding out that all the rumours about Oldcastle CID were true, so one would miraculously appear.

I turned the radio back up, and some sort of boy-band crap droned out of the speakers.

Ooh, baby, swear you love me, don t say maybe.

Ooh-ooh say we can make it right

The phone went again, its old-fashioned ringing noise a lot more tuneful than the garbage on the radio. I stabbed the button and wedged the mobile back between my ear and shoulder. Forget something?

A small pause, then an Irish accent, female: I think it s yerself that s forgotten somethin, don t ye?

Oh God I swallowed. Wrapped my hands tighter around the steering wheel. Mrs Kerrigan. Sod. Why did I answer the bloody phone? Always check the display before picking up.

Baby, let s not fight tonight, let s do it, do it, do it right

I cleared my throat. I was going to call you.

Aye, I ll bet ye were. Yez are late. Mr Inglis is very disappointed.

Let s do it right, tonight! Instrumental break.

I need a little time to

Do ye not think five years is enough? Cos I m startin to think ye re takin the piss here. I m wantin three thousand bills by Tuesday lunch, OK? Or I ll have yer feckin hole in flitters.

Three grand by tomorrow lunchtime? Where was I supposed to get three grand by tomorrow lunchtime? It wasn t possible. They were going to break my legs

No problem. Three thousand. Tomorrow.

That d be bleedin deadly, ta. And she hung up.

I folded forwards, resting my forehead against the steering wheel. The plastic surface was rough, as if someone had been chewing at it.

Should just keep on going. Drive right through Dundee and sod off down south. Birmingham maybe, or Newcastle: stay with Brett and his boyfriend. After all, what were brothers for? As long as they didn t make me help plan the wedding. Which they would. Bloody seating arrangements, floral centrepieces, and vol-au-vents

Bugger that.

Let s do it right, Baby, let s do it tonight! Big finish.

A horn blared out somewhere behind me. I looked up and saw the gap in front of the Renault s bonnet, goosed the accelerator and coasted in behind the Audi again.

You re listening to Tay FM, and that was Mr Bones, with Tonight Baby. We ve got the Great Overgate Giveaway coming up, but first Nicole Gifford wants to wish her fianc Dave good luck in his new job. Here s Celine Dion singing Just Walk Away

Or better yet: run like buggery. I switched off the radio.

Three grand by tomorrow. Never mind the other sixteen

There was always extortion: go back to Oldcastle and lean on a few people. Pay Willie McNaughton a visit see if he was still flogging GHB to school kids. That should be worth at least a couple of hundred. Karen Turner had that brothel on Shepard Lane. And Fat Jimmy Campbell was probably still growing weed in his loft Throw in another dozen house calls and I could pull in a grand and a half, maybe two tops.

Over a thousand pounds short, and nothing left to sell.

Maybe Mrs Kerrigan would go easy on me and they d only break one of my legs. And next week the compound interest would set in, along with the compound fractures.

The car park was nearly empty, just a handful of silver rep-mobiles and hire cars clustered around the hotel entrance. I pulled into a space, killed the engine, then sat there, staring off into the middle distance as the rain drummed on the car roof.

Maybe Newcastle wasn t such a bad idea after

Clunk, clunk, clunk.

I turned in my seat. A chubby face was peering in through the passenger window: narrow mouth, stubble-covered jowls, bald head dripping and shiny, dark bags under the eyes, blueish grey skin. Big round shoulders hunched up around his ears. The accent was pure Liverpool: You coming in, or wha?

I closed my eyes, counted to five, then climbed out into the rain.

Those teeny little lips turned down at the edges. Jesus, look at the state of you. Be frightenin old ladies, face like that. He had a brown paper bag clutched in one hand, the Burger King logo smeared with something red.

Thought the Met would ve beaten the Scouse out of you by now.

You kidding? Like a stick of Blackpool rock me: cut us in half and it s Sabir loves Merseyside all the way down. He pointed a chunky finger at my face. What s the other bloke look like?

Almost as ugly as you.

A smile. Well your mam never complains when I m givin her one.

To be fair, she s got a lot less fussy since she died. I locked the car, rain pattering on the shoulders of my leather jacket. The McMillans here?