Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

Mamma nodded. “Hy did.” She looked at him for a moment and then nodded again as she made a decision. “When you poppa took in the Jägers, we swore to serve de House of Wulfenbach. Vun uf de vays ve did dis, vas by keepink a close eye on hiz son.” Gil tried to interrupt but Mamma plowed on. “Ve knew—” she tapped her nose, “—dot hyu vas de Baron’s son. Ve knew before hyu did, and hyu vas guarded.”

She leaned back against the dresser and regarded Gil with a grin. “And ven somevun iz vatched as much as hyu vas, tings get noticed. Hyu poppa spent a lot of time vit hyu in his laboratories. More den hyu realize since hyu vas asleep half de time, but he improved hyu. Oh, hyu tried to hide dem, but hyu vas a keed, and hyu let tings slip. Hyu is faster den most pipple, jah? Stronger. Hyu dun sleep moch. Tings dot vould help hyu survive.” Mamma poked him in the chest. “Hy figure if ennybody ken take a leedle battle draught, it vould be hyu.”

“But why take the chance?”

Mamma stopped smiling. “Because hyu poppa vants to keel Miz Agatha and de Jägers tink dot she iz der Heterodyne, vich means dot she iz under our protection.”

Mamma shrugged. “Now, maybe she izn’t a Heterodyne. Personally, hy dun see how soch a ting could be pozzible. But der Castle vill decide, not hyu poppa.” She leaned forward. “De trobble iz dot ven hyu poppa decides to kill somebody, dey usually die pretty dem fast, and hy tink dot de only ting dot could schtop Baron Wulfenbach—vould be anodder Wulfenbach.”

“I will not fight my father.”

Mamma nodded with approval. “Dot’s goot, becawze he’s got a whole bunch of army and hyu dun got nottink. My hope iz dot hyu can out-think him.”

Gil stared at her, his jaw hanging open. “Out-think. My father.”

“Hyu deed it vunce already, sveetie. Hyu knew Agatha vas de Spark in Beetleburg.”

“How do you know—?” Gil hesitated. “I can’t count on that happening again.”

Mamma grinned. “Ov cawrze not. It vill be schomting else. Hit alvays iz. De impawtent ting iz dot hyu iz alive and on de field.”

Gil took a deep breath. “So—that whole temper thing. What was that?”

Mamma shrugged. “De Jäger draught didn’t make hyu brain melt, but hit looks like der might be side-effects. Hyu better vatch dot temper, kiddo.”

“Or else I might start frothing and attacking people?”

“Could be. Or maybe hyu make a beeg snarly mouth and hyu face steek like dot.”

Gil stared at her. “Can I get dressed now?”

The other women simultaneously groaned in disappointment.

Mamma clapped her hands. “Ov cawrze. Now hyu clothes vas a mess, so my boyz iz findink hyu some new vuns.”

And indeed, a minute later, there was a knock on the door. It opened and Maxim poked his head in. “Hey, Mamma! Ve found some real snappy schtuff from de prop room and der lost and finders keepers!” So saying, he passed through a mound of clothing. Meanwhile Dimo and Ognian had seen the Jäger-girls and immediately begun flirting.

Gil examined the clothing. It seemed to consist of equal parts armor and miscellaneous clothing from around the known world. Gil, who had inherited his father’s appreciation of smart dress, was appalled.

He held up a pair of leather pants equipped with spikes at the knees and groin. “I can’t wear this!”

Maxim leaned in, as one man of the world to another, and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “Hyu could go find Mizz Agatha mitout dem…”

The red blush started in Gil’s face and traveled a long way down before he snarled and grabbed an armored pair of underpants. “Fine!”

Everyone in the room took a close interest in his dressing—to the point where they got into arguments about his choice of assorted garments. This did not improve his mood.

A knock at the door revealed yet another Jäger girl. She whispered a message to Mamma, confided to Gil that she appreciated trousers tight enough to let a girl know which way a man dressed, and then vanished. Gil started looking for a different pair of pants, but Mamma interrupted. “Hyu hurry op now, keedo. Dere’s sum pipple vaitink to talk to hyu.”

Gil found a comfortable waistcoat, which was only marred by what appeared to be a functional pair of bear-traps mounted on the shoulders. “I can imagine. Does this place have a back door?”

Mamma chuckled. “More den hyu vould belief. But no, dese pipple it vill be goot for hyu to talk to. Trust me on dot.”

Finally Gil stood in something that at least felt comfortable. He exited the room and came face-to-face with a long mirror. He stopped dead. “I can’t wear this,” he declared.

“Ashtara above, why not?” Zeetha declared. “You look perfect!”

“I look like I’ve picked over every battlefield for the last fifty years. From the losing side, no less.”

Maxim grinned proudly. “Yah! Dot’s goot schtuff.”

“Don’t be ridiculous! I can’t have people see me like this!”

“Oh, of cawrze not,” Maxim agreed.

Gil paused. “What?”

Maxim pulled a large, colorful object from behind his back and displayed it proudly. “Not vitout hyu hat!”