Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

³⁷ Luigi del Basteri awoke one morning convinced that he was the reincarnation of one of the Borgias (which one varied from day to day). Venthraxus thought this was very funny and built Luigi his own kitchen, locked him in, and had him cater select parties. This worked out fairly well, until, in a moment of absent-mindedness, he tasted some sauce.

³⁸ Unless one is raised in the minion mindset, it is difficult to understand the allure of the lifestyle. Outside observers merely see put-upon underlings who live and work in insanely dangerous positions, whose lives are ruled by dictatorial psychopaths who have little regard for their lives or sanity. Acclimatized minions realize that everyone on Earth lives under these strictures, they just don’t fool themselves. With clarity comes freedom.

³⁹ Professor Silas Merlot, PhD University of Salzburg, had been the long time second-in-command to Professor Tarsus Beetle, the late Tyrant of Beetleburg. There are those who are not Sparks but seem destined to become Sparks. Merlot was one of these and was continually frustrated by his inability to Break Through. This resulted in a sour disposition and a growing hatred of Agatha, who he saw as receiving a disproportional amount of the Tyrant’s attention. The fact that Tarsus was aware of Agatha’s true identity while Merlot was not, did nothing to ameliorate his feelings when the truth came out. The simple fact is that some people are born nasty.

⁴⁰ As related in Agatha H. and the Airship City, this particular gas connector was used by Gilgamesh as an impromptu ring during his disastrous first proposal of marriage to Agatha. In our second textbook, Agatha H. and the Clockwork Princess, we saw how it had been planted upon a convenient corpse in order to convince the Wulfenbachs that Agatha was dead. The fact that Gil had kept it, and continued to wear it is, in your Professoressa’s opinion, indicative of a morbid personality.

⁴¹ Professor Guylian Consolmagno, PhD, University of Rome. Leader of the first Europan expedition to Skifander, though he evidently was surprised to find it. He died, and his expedition notes were destroyed by air pirates upon their return. He might have taken some solace from the fact that Zeetha subsequently eradicated the pirates and destroyed their base, but this assumes a small-mindedness and lack of forgiveness that one rarely sees amongst the better class of academics.

CHAPTER 5

THE CAVERNS OF MECHANICSBURG

The town of Mechanicsburg sits atop a land honeycombed with caverns and lava tubes. It is famous among Europa’s spelunking community as it offers a wide range of expeditions ranging from the simple all the way up to the insanely dangerous Class Five, which requires breathing apparatus, submersible gear, a demonstrated proficiency in at least two weapon types, a signed and notarized indemnification release, and a registered copy of one’s last will and testament. (If you are familiar with Europa’s spelunking community, it will come as no surprise that Class Five expeditions are perennially booked up a year and a half in advance, so reserve your spot as soon as possible!)

Lest this put off the curious amateur, let us reassure you that the sights and sounds that can be experienced on the Beginner’s Tour are unique and well worth the laughably small chance of being attacked by bloodbats.

In addition to their natural wonders, the subterranean levels of the area have long been home to assorted servitors and creations of the Heterodynes. These colorful denizens of “Under Town” are always good for an exciting story about “the old days,” and are renowned for their handicrafts and the various species of exotic fungi they cultivate, which are available for sale or trade. (It is only a statistically insignificant number of unlucky visitors that are chosen for the quaint local ritual known as the Surface Tithe, and those who survive to witness it call it “an unforgettable treat that gave us a new appreciation of life”—Professor Strout’s Guide to Roadside Scientific Atrocities.)

Highlights on the Beginner’s Tour also include the Snail Plantations, the Cursed Springs, the Ruins of the Subterranean Empire, and the Cavern of Transmutating Elements.

Expeditions may be booked through any number of Deep Delving Shops. We recommend Lindenbrook’s Subterranean Adventures, located on Heterodyne Square.

—One Thousand and One Things To Do In Mechanicsburg/ It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time Press.

Dr. Sun gave the coded knock and opened the door to the Baron’s sickroom. He had been handed the usual stack of papers as he passed through the halls. He frowned as he examined them.