Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

³⁰ This practice was one of Klaus’s more radical innovations, and one of his most effective ones. It relied upon the simple truth that most of the soldiers in a rogue Spark’s army were not there out of any great loyalty to said Spark but because they did not want to be turned into fish (or whatever). That said, there is camaraderie and comforting routine in military life that many young men enjoy, and the chance to be a part of the Winning Side has a strong allure. Thus the army of the Empire was one of the few in history that got larger with every battle it fought.

³¹ As has been mentioned before, Sparks tend to establish hierarchy. They are never comfortable until they know what the order of precedence in a particular situation is, as well as their place in it. Aside from the politics inherent in running two adjoining expanding empires, it would be safe to say that neither Klaus nor Albia were willing to relinquish primacy to anyone. The miracle was that they had never actually gone to war. Subsequent research has revealed that each Empire was waiting for the other (obviously weaker-willed) Empire to declare war first, in the mistaken impression that they would then have the choice of weapons. This was an idea promoted by a desperate diplomatic corps, who were constantly astonished that it actually worked.

³² “Kolee dok Zumil.” According to Zeetha: “Sort of like teacher and student…sort of like grindstone and knife.” The contract and promise that bound the Lady Heterodyne and the Princess Zeetha together as teacher and student, among other things. At this time, Zeetha had just started the martial training of the Lady Heterodyne that would serve Agatha so well in later life.

CHAPTER 4

THE STORM KING

An opera in three acts by Portentius Reichenbach. A Brief Overview Provided as a Courtesy to Our Patrons Who, For No Doubt Very Good Reasons, Were Late Or Simply Not Paying Attention.

The First Act begins in the pass of Balan’s Gap as the Army of Atrocities, led by Bludtharst Heterodyne, is fought to a bloody standstill by the Coalition of the West, led by Andronicus Valois, who is hailed as The Storm King in the unforgettable Hammerhead Chorus.

After the famous comic interlude wherein the maid Capezia steals the shoes, and the Coalition receives the blessings of the Five Good Emperors, in the haunting It Has All Happened Before, But It Gets Better Every Time roundelay, Andronicus witnesses the beautiful Heterodyne Princess Euphrosynia being menaced by the mad sorcerer—prince Ogglespoon, a Heterodyne ally whom her father wishes her to marry.

The highlight here is the scandalous-for-the-time How Dast You Duet, which caused almost a quarter of the men attending to faint at its premiere performance in Munich.

Andronicus falls madly in love with the Princess but is tormented by second thoughts which are raised by his dour, two-headed construct servant, the Brothers Polyphemus, in the cunning and occasionally terrifying What Could Possibly Go Wrong dance number.

These trepidations are dispelled by the haunting Prophecy Aria, in which the Spirit of Europa herself foretells that peace will only be achieved when the Storm King and the Heterodyne Princess are wed.

The Second Act begins as Europa’s prophecy is conveniently echoed, for those who were visiting the concession stand, by the Nine Muses, who say the same thing, but use different words, in the groundbreaking You’ll Only Hear What You Want To Hear Chorus.

The scene then changes to Prince Ogglespoon’s Castle, where the forced marriage is already in progress.

It begins with the infamously bawdy Jägerchorus and the tune She Dun Gotta Be A Lady, She Iz Gunna Be Hyu Wife, (which can be heard in taverns and public houses to this day), as they celebrate the upcoming wedding.

This is followed by the intricately choreographed Rescue Dance. In its most recent performance by the Vienna Mechanikopera, the company has hewed to the original chorography, and thus utilized all seventeen soup waiters, three ladder teams, and the original roller-skating giraffe, which had only been recently rediscovered in a barn in Essen. We are grateful to the Vienna Mechanikopera for lending us these props under the condition that “we never have to see them again.”

The scene again changes, to the interior of the Storm King’s legendary Steam Palanquin, where we are treated to the tender Lover’s Duet between Euphrosynia and Andronicus.