Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

The green Jäger scratched his nose. “Hokay, Hy tink hyu vant de ‘mysterious disappearance after de battle’ ending. A beeg hit vit de ladies, as lonk as hyu know ven to quit, if hyu know vat Hy meanz.”

Gil had no idea what he meant. “Do you do this sort of thing a lot?”

“Ho! Yaz!” Ognian cried jovially. “Lotz of pipple have tried to take dis town! And somevun’s gotta make shure de boss gets home aftervards.”

Dimo saw Gil’s head start to sag, and tried to keep him engaged. “Zo—iz verra nize of hyu to save miz Agatha’s town for her.”

“She’s a very nice girl.”

“Dot’s right. Verra nize.”

Gil stumbled again. When he regained his feet, his face was covered in sweat. “I feel…strange,” he whispered. “I didn’t think I’d been hit that badly.”

Jenka reassured him. “Oh, hyu izn’t hit too bad. But—” She looked at him shrewdly. “Iz dis the first time hyu faced down an entire army all by hyuself vit a weapon hyu vasn’t sure vas gunna vork?”

“Well…yes.”

Jenka gave a laugh. “Vell den! Dot’s just hyu body bein’ all sooprized hyu ain’t all blowed op and dead!” She gave him a squeeze. “Next time, hyu von’t eefen blink!”

“Next time…” Gil almost swooned at the concept. “I really think I have to lie down now,” he whispered.

Dimo nodded. “Hyup! Vun ‘mysterious dizappearance’ comin’ op!”

Ognian leaned in. “Hokay. Hy sez ve skulks in through de Sneaky Gate and takes him to Mamma Gkika’s.”

Maxim considered this. “I dunno if she gun like dot, brudder.”

Gil waved a hand, almost sending both him and Jenka off balance. “Where? No, get me to the hospital.”

Jenka yanked him back to true. “No vay, sveethot. Looks like ve iz kidnappink hyu a leedle after all. Ve dun vant no vun to see hyu until hyu iz stompin’ around all scary-like again.”

“No! My father must be guarded, and Agatha will be in danger! I can’t stop now!”

Dimo snorted. “Hyu kent protect hyuself right now.”

Ognian leaned in and gave Gil a light slap to the face. Gil’s eyes focused on the Jäger. “Hyu vant to help Mizz Agatha? Den ve takes hyu to Mamma Gkika. She fix hyu op fast and goot.”

Maxim leaned in as well. “Goot enuf, anyvay.” So saying he bounded on ahead to the city wall that now loomed above them, and started rapping on blocks. Ognian hurried over and pointed at the sun overhead. The two got into an argument. Jenka gently deposited Gil against the wall, where he watched Ognian and Maxim with obvious confusion.

Dimo sidled up to Jenka and spoke in a low voice. “He likes Mizz Agatha. Hy ken tell. But Hy dun know if ve should trust him vit dis.” He indicated the wall.

Above her scarf, Jenka’s eyes looked resigned. “Ve gots a Heterodyne back. Voteffer happens, tings iz gunna change. I say ve takes de chance.”

Meanwhile, Ognian had apparently won the argument. He strode over to a different set of blocks, gave one a rap, another a kick, and the section of wall behind Gil slid to the side, causing him to fall over backwards.

Ognian helped him up. “Sorry, keedo. De Sneaky Gate iz like dot.”

Gil stared at the opening wide-eyed. “I know what a hidden door looks like. That was not there a minute ago.”

Maxim shrugged. “Dun vorry about it. It von’t be dere next time either.” He stepped into the passage. “From here iz easy peasy!”

The wagon, perched upon one fat wheel, bumped and clunked down the Mechanicsburg street, its engine popping and chuttering. People saw it coming, recognized the chain-draped exterior, and stepped out of the street, dragging along the occasional clueless tourist. You didn’t want to interfere with the Prisoner Van.

Herr Diamant sat at the controls, easily weaving past the remaining carts that trundled through the streets. He spoke into a brass tube that conveyed his voice back into the prisoner compartment, where Agatha was changing into a properly disreputable suit of clothes that Herr Diamant had given her.

“There are things you should be aware of,” the tinny voice informed her. “The leather case by the door has your papers. They state that you’re in for mass-poisoning.”

Agatha interrupted. “Murder!”

Diamant chuckled. “People are not sent to Castle Heterodyne for stealing a loaf of bread, my lady. These are people that the Empire wants to go away.

“You must be wary. Most of the truly crazy ones die rather quickly. At the moment, there are two you should keep a particular eye out for, a fellow named Snapper, and another named Vasquez. They’re the only really psychotic ones.

“Many of the others are Sparks. They might prove useful, if you can get them on your side. Especially the old-timers. Promise them amnesty, if you must.”

Agatha was surprised. “I can do that?”

A bark of laughter came back through the tube. “Prove yourself the Heterodyne—hold the Castle—and there is nothing you can’t do in Mechanicsburg.”

Agatha considered this as she began fastening buttons. Diamant spoke again. “The red pouch? That contains a map that shows the current floor plan of the Castle. The areas marked in green are considered safe.”

Agatha examined this. “There’s not much marked in green.”