A Red Herring Without Mustard

“Come on,” I said to Porcelain, who was standing precisely as I had left her. “There’s no time to waste!”

In less than a minute, we were creeping stealthily up the wide staircase of Buckshaw’s east wing.

“Blimey,” Porcelain said when she saw my bedroom. “It’s like a bloomin’ parade square!”

“And every bit as cold,” I replied. “Climb under the quilt. I’ll go fix a hot water bottle.”

A quick trip next door to my laboratory, five minutes with a Bunsen burner, and I had filled a red rubber bag with boiling water, ready to shove in under Porcelain’s feet.

I hoisted a corner of my mattress and pulled out a box of chocolates I’d nicked from the kitchen doorstep, where Ned, the smitten potboy, was forever leaving tributes to Feely. Since Miss Snotrag never knew they’d arrived, she could hardly miss them, could she? I reminded myself to tell Ned, the next time I saw him, how much his gift had been appreciated. I just wouldn’t tell him by whom.

“Help yourself,” I said, ripping the cellophane from the box. “They may not be as fresh as the flowers in May, but at least they’re not crawling with maggots.”

Ned’s budget could only afford chocolates that had been left in the shop window for a quarter century or more.

Porcelain stopped with a vanilla cream halfway to her mouth.

“Go ahead,” I told her. “I was teasing.”

Actually I wasn’t, but there was no point in upsetting the girl.

Meaning to close the drapes, I went to the window, where I paused to have a quick look outside. There was no one in sight.

Beyond the lawns, I could see one corner of the Visto, and to the south—Poseidon! I’d completely forgotten that I could see the fountain from my bedroom window.

Was it possible that—? I rubbed my eyes and looked again.

Yes! There he was—Brookie Harewood, from this distance, no more than a dark doll hanging from the sea god’s trident. I could easily slip back for another look before the police turned up. And if they did arrive while I was at the scene, I’d tell them that I’d been waiting for them; keeping an eye on Brookie, making sure that nothing was touched. And so forth.

“You look exhausted,” I said, turning to Porcelain.

Her eyelids were already flickering as I drew the drapes.

“Sleep tight,” I said, but I don’t think she heard me.

The doorbell rang as I came down the stairs. Rats! Just when I thought I was alone. I counted to ten and opened the door—just as the bell rang again.

Inspector Hewitt was standing there, his finger still on the button, a slightly embarrassed look on his face, as if he were a small boy who’d been caught playing Knock-Knock-Run.

They certainly don’t believe in letting the grass grow under their feet, I thought. It had been less than ten minutes since I’d spoken to Constable Linnet.

The Inspector seemed a little taken aback to see me at the door.

“Ah,” he said. “The ubiquitous Flavia de Luce.”

“Good afternoon, Inspector,” I said, in a butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-her-heart voice. “Won’t you come in?”

“Thank you, no,” he replied. “I understand there’s been another … incident.”

“An incident,” I said, falling into the game. “It’s Brookie Harewood, I’m afraid. The quickest way to the Trafalgar Lawn is through here,” I added, pointing towards the east. “Follow me and I’ll show you.”

“Hold on,” Inspector Hewitt said. “You’ll do no such thing. I want you to keep completely out of this. Do you understand, Flavia?”

“It is our property, Inspector,” I said, just to remind him that he was talking to a de Luce.

“Yes, and it’s my investigation. So much as one of your fingerprints at the scene and I’ll have you up on charges. Do you understand?”

What insolence! It didn’t deserve an answer. I could have said “My fingerprints are already at the scene, Inspector,” but I didn’t. I spun on my heel and slammed the door in his face.

Inside, I quickly clapped my ear to the panel and listened for all I was worth.

Although it sounded like a dry chuckle, the sound I heard must really have been a little cry of dismay from the Inspector at having so foolishly lost the services of a first-rate mind.

Damn and blast the man! He’d regret his high-handed manner. Oh yes he would—he’d regret it!

Up the stairs I flew to my chemical laboratory. I unlocked the heavy door, stepped into the room, and almost instantly relaxed as a deep feeling of peace came over me.

There was something special about the place: The way in which the light fell so softly through the tall leaded casement windows, the warm brass glow of the Leitz microscope that had once belonged to Uncle Tar and was now so satisfyingly mine, the crisp—almost eager—shine of the laboratory’s glassware, the cabinets filled with neatly labeled bottles of chemicals (including some quite remarkable poisons), and the rows upon rows of books—all of these lent to the room something I can only describe as a sense of sanctuary.