A Man Without Breath

‘I don’t for a minute doubt your courage, colonel, but I happen to know this is your second failure within as many weeks, so I am not confident that you or any of the people working with you really know what the hell you’re doing. You and your posh friends seem to lack all of the lethal qualities that are necessary to be assassins. Let’s just leave it there, shall we? No names, no thank yous, no explanations, just goodbye.’

I threw some more water onto the front of Von Gersdorff, and hearing the door open, I just had time to haul the towel off the roller and to start mopping down his front. I turned to see Wetzel standing in the room. The smile on his rodent’s face looked anything but friendly.

‘Is everything all right?’ he said.

‘I told you it was, didn’t I?’ I said, irritably. ‘Jesus Christ.’

‘Yes you did, but-’

‘I didn’t flush the lavatory,’ murmured Von Gersdorff. ‘Those sticks are still in there.’

‘Shut up and let me do the talking,’ I said.

Von Gersdorff nodded.

‘What’s got into you, Wetzel?’ I said. ‘Damn it all, can’t you take a fucking hint? I said I was handling it.’

‘I have the distinct impression that there’s something not quite right in here,’ said Wetzel.

‘I didn’t know you were a plumber. But go ahead. Be my guest. Now you’re here, see if you can unblock the toilet.’ I threw the towel aside, gave the colonel a quick up and down and then nodded. ‘There you go, sir. A little damp, perhaps, but you’ll do.’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Von Gersdorff.

‘That’s all right. Could happen to anyone.’

Wetzel wasn’t the type to back away from an insult; he picked up a clothes-brush and tossed it to me. I caught it, too.

‘Why don’t you brush him down while you’re at it?’ said Wetzel. ‘A new career as a gentleman’s valet or a lavatory attendant would seem appropriate in the circumstances.’

‘Thanks.’ I fussed at the colonel’s shoulders for a few seconds and then put down the brush. It was probably a safer although rather less pleasurable option than trying to shove it up Wetzel’s rectum.

Wetzel sniffed the air, loudly. ‘It certainly doesn’t smell like someone has been ill in here,’ he said. ‘Why is that, I wonder?’

I laughed.

‘Did I say something funny, Captain Gunther?’

‘The things the Gestapo will try and pinch you for these days.’ I nodded at the six cubicles next to us. ‘Why don’t you check that the colonel here flushed the toilet while you’re at it, Wetzel?’

There was a bottle of lime water on the shelf behind the basins. I picked it up, pulled out the cork, and splashed some on to the colonel’s hands. He rubbed them on his cheeks.

‘I’m all right now, Captain Gunther,’ he said. ‘Thank you for your assistance. It was most kind of you. I shan’t forget this. I really thought I was about to faint back there.’

Wetzel glanced behind the door of the first cubicle.

I laughed again. ‘Find anything, Wetzel? A Jew on the wing, perhaps?’

‘We have an old saying in the Gestapo, captain,’ said Wetzel. ‘A simple search is always better than suspicion.’

He stepped into the second cubicle.

‘It’s the last one,’ murmured Von Gersdorff.

I nodded.

‘The way you say that, Wetzel, it sounds homespun, almost friendly,’ I said.

‘The Gestapo is not unfriendly,’ said Wetzel. ‘So long as someone’s not an enemy of the state.’

He came out of the second cubicle and went into the third.

‘Well there are none of those in here,’ I said brightly. ‘In case you didn’t notice, the colonel was about to guide the leader around the exhibition. They don’t let just anyone do that, I expect.’

‘And how is it that you two are friends, captain?’

‘Not that it’s any of your damn business, but I’ve just got back from Army Group Centre in Smolensk,’ I said. ‘That’s where the colonel is stationed. We were on the same plane back to Berlin. Isn’t that right, colonel?’

‘Yes,’ said Von Gersdorff. ‘All of the exhibits for today’s display were collected by Army Group Centre. The enormous honour of being the leader’s guide this morning fell to me, I’m happy to say. However I think I must have picked up some sort of bacillus while I was down there. I just hope that the leader doesn’t get it.’

‘Please God he doesn’t,’ I said.

Wetzel stepped into the fourth cubicle. I saw him glance into the toilet bowl. If he did the same in the sixth and last cubicle he would surely see the two mercury sticks and we would be arrested, and that would be the end of us. It was whispered around the Alex that Georg Elser – the Munich bomber of August 1939 – had been tortured by Heinrich Himmler, in person, following his unsuccessful attempt to assassinate the leader; the rumour was that Himmler had almost kicked the man to death. It was anyone’s guess what had happened to him since then, but the same rumour said he had been starved to death in Sachsenhausen. About assassins the Nazis were never anything less than vengeful and vindictive.

‘Is that why he left so abruptly, do you think?’ I asked. ‘Because he could see that you were ill and didn’t want to catch it himself?’