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“I wonder what Marge and Alec will say,” said Brutus. “About the fact that in only nine months’ time they’re getting a little brother or sister.”

Judging from the looks on their faces, they weren’t exactly over the moon, I thought. Alec, who’d downed both Santa beard and hair, clearly wasn’t in the mood to become a big brother to a little munchkin again. His life was a shambles, and he clearly was harboring dark thoughts toward his dear old mommy. In front of the camera crew and Doctor Clam, though, the Pooles were all on their best behavior, and didn’t offer a word of criticism, all keenly aware they were being filmed, their responses and reactions saved for posterity.

“I think it’s going to be a happy occasion,” said Dooley now. “Having a baby is always a good thing. A time for joy and happiness. Moments of love and light and laughter.”

“I thought you didn’t like babies, Dooley?” asked Harriet. “I thought you said they’d take your place and you didn’t want them in the house?”

“I know that’s what I used to think, but since then I’ve changed my mind,” said Dooley. “And now I know that cats and babies can live together in perfect harmony.”

“Very good, Dooley,” I said, “And you’re absolutely right. Having a baby is a source of great joy for any family. Soon the sound of a baby crying will be heard, and then the sound of its feet going pitter-patter on the kitchen floor. A great time for all of us.”

“Tell that to our humans,” said Harriet. “They look like they’re at a funeral.”

She was right. They did all look as if this upcoming birth was a funeral and not the happy occasion it was supposed to be.

Then again, even after spending all this time around humans, the species still remains a mystery to me.

“So what’s going to happen next, Doctor Clam?” asked Chase as he sliced into a tomato and managed to spray some tomato juice all over his nice clean shirt.

The doctor steepled his fingers and looked appropriately serious.“Well, first I’ve started Vesta on hormone therapy—my own very special concoction. And then when she’s ready we’re going to perform the in vitro fertilization of one of her egg cells.”

“Wait, what?” said Gran. “I didn’t sign up for no frickin IVF! I thought this was going to go the natural way. You know, with me and some deserving male doing the deed.”

“Please, Ma, don’t go there,” said Alec, holding up his hand. “I don’t need that image in my head.”

“I know what images you have in that head of yours, Alec,” said Gran. “From what I heard all you can think about is you and Pamela Witherspoon getting jiggy in the bushes.”

“Ma!” said Marge. “How can you even think such a thing?”

“What? Alec getting jiggy with Pamela? It’s only natural. A half-naked woman jumps into his arms? Any man would be tempted, and especially a widower like Alec.”

“Is that the story you heard?” asked Odelia.

“Sure. At the pharmacy this morning. Blanche Captor and Ida Baumgartner were talking up a storm. How a half-naked or fully-naked Pamela—depending on who told the story—jumped Alec’s bones and they got hot and heavy in the bushes. And I’m happy for you, Alec. I’m happy you finally found yourself a girlfriend. Even though you probably should be careful, because according to all accounts Pamela Witherspoon is a lush who sees zombies everywhere she goes.”

“Looks like the story has changed a little since this morning,” said Odelia.

“Yeah, the latest version is that Alec attacked an innocent Pamela as she was walking along the road, dragged her into the bushes and went all caveman on her,” said Marge.

“I think I like Ma’s version better,” said Alec now.

“Wait, can you give us a little more background?” asked Libby Elk, the reporter.

“Well, my brother Alec, who is our chief of police,” Marge said, “has been falsely accused of doing something very bad to Pamela Witherspoon. Isn’t that right, honey?”

Odelia nodded.“The gossip mill running amok. It happens.”

“Look, who cares about Pamela Witherspoon?” said Vesta. “I already selected a father for my future child and now you’re telling me I can’t even go the full monty with the guy?”

“The chances of you getting pregnant the natural way are practically nil,” said Doctor Clam. “So I’m afraid in vitro is the only way we will be able to pull this off, Vesta.”

“Well, holy moly. I’m having a test tube babyand will be the oldest mother in history?Guinness Book of Records here I come!”

“Are you sure this is such a good idea?” asked Marge, always the voice of reason in our family.

“Sure? Of course I’m sure! Look, when I had you two I was full of hopes and dreams. I thought Marge would become the first female president of this country, and Alec could blaze the trail for her by becoming president first, and now look at you: a librarian and a cop! What a disappointment! So now that I’m getting a second chance to get it right I’m going to grab it with both hands. This new baby is finally gonna make me proud!”

“Nice,” said Marge.

“Yeah, real nice, Ma,” said Alec.

“You’re welcome,” she said, and popped a prawn into her mouth.