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“Vesta Muffin. Long time no see!”

As we watched the reacquaintance taking place, I was actually relieved that Gran knew Mr. Peppard. Maybe she could talk some sense into him and make him set us free. I mean, it’s all well and good to play games all day, and be rewarded with some fine pet food, but at some point a cat just wants to be home and take a nap on his favorite couch.

“And look how old you’ve gotten!” said Gran.

“Not you, Vesta,” said Mr. Peppard. “You haven’t changed a bit.”

“Still the charmer, aren’t you, Fred?”

“Only when in the company of a beautiful woman like yourself. So what brings you here?”

“These are my cats,” she said, gesturing to the four of us. “So I figured I better check and see if you haven’t been mistreating them.”

“Oh, I would never hurt a pet, you know that. All I do is put them through our test program and give them some of the finest pet food as a reward.”

“Mh. Last time I saw you, you were selling life insurance door to door.”

“Yeah, well, last time we met you were still married to that crook what’s-his-name…”

She held up a hand.“Let’s not talk about he-who-should-not-be-named—may he rest in peace.”

“Oh, Jack died, did he?”

“Yeah, and good riddance, too. Can you believe he had the gall to cheat on me with my best friend—ex-friend now, of course?”

“Yeah, actually I can. Jack always was something of a scoundrel.”

“So were you, if I remember correctly.”

He laughed.“Oh, Vesta. Your tongue is still as sharp as ever.”

“Gran, ask him about Zebediah Clam,” I said. “He was in here just before you arrived, discussing something with Mr. Peppard.”

“Yeah, and he was very angry with Mr. Peppard, too,” said Dooley. “Calling him all kinds of names.”

“And while you’re at it, maybe you can tell him that the way he treats his guests stinks,” said Brutus.

“Yeah, locking us up in cages and making us jump through hoops all day long,” said Harriet. “I don’t like it here, Gran. This place sucks. He makes us work for our food!”

Gran, who’d listened but couldn’t reply, merely gave us an imperceptible nod. Her eyes glittered when she said, “I heard you and Zebediah Clam are pretty close? He’s my doctor, you see.”

Fred Peppard’s eyebrows shot up. “Your doctor. Is that a fact?”

“Yeah, he’s helping me get pregnant again. Fertility treatment.” Fred burst into raucous laughter, earning himself a dark scowl from Gran. “Oh, and that’s funny to you, is it? Well, thank you very much, Fred.”

“No, I’m sorry, Vesta,” he said, wiping away tears of laughter. “It’s just…” He laughed again. “Zeb told me he was working a client in town. If I’d known it was you, I would have told him to back away slowly and run for the hills.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” she asked, hands on hips now, eyes blazing.

“Zeb isn’t a fertility expert. He’s been conning you, Vesta, my dear. He probably knows just about as much about fertility treatments as me, and I’m just a salesman, as you pointed out.”

“He’s not a fertility expert? But I found his name in the medical file of this ex-friend I mentioned. This woman is my age and still on the pill.”

“All bogus,” said Fred decidedly. “Zeb may be a lot of things, but he’s no doctor.”

“But I saw his degree. It’s on his website.”

“Probably made it himself in Photoshop.”

“But his site is full of testimonials.”

“Must have written them himself.”

She was staring at the man, her voice having taken on a belligerent tone.“Then why the hell are you even involved with him, Fred?”

Fred shrugged.“He’s a businessman, same as me. He sees an opportunity to make some money, he grabs it, milks it for all it’s worth, then moves on.”

“I don’t believe this. He’s been feeding me hormone cocktails.”

“Probably sugar water. How much are you paying him?”

“Five grand, and another ten for the IVF.”

“Don’t let him fool you, Vesta. And I’m telling you this as a friend. The man is a crook, and he’ll simply take your money and skedaddle.”

She looked disappointed now.“But… he promised me I’d be the world’s oldest mom.”

“Yeah, well, what can I tell you? You’ve been swindled, and if it makes you feel any better, you’re not the first one either. I’m sure plenty of women fell for the guy’s hustle.”

“That rotten, no-good scoundrel!” she cried, shaking her fist. “If I get my hands on him!”

“Don’t tell him I told you,” said Fred. “I still have to work with the guy. We’re business partners.”

“You’re working with this damn crook?”

“The man talks a good game. He can probably sell eggs to a chicken.”

“He’s a louse, a maggot, a rat, a skunk, a dirtbag, a fungus and a douche,” she snapped. “I’m taking my cats, Fred. They’re needed elsewhere.”

“Oh, sure. I was actually trying to get in touch with you—though the contact person was listed as one Odelia Poole?”

“My granddaughter.”

“So Marge had a daughter, huh?”

“Yeah, she married a doctor.”

“Doctor? Nice. Listen, your cats are pretty special. Real smart. So I’d like to run some more tests and—”