William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

[ to Han:] Thou rebel dog, move quickly, lest thou die.
Forsooth, ’twould give me pleasure to destroy
Thee, and would bring a great reward, as well.

Han

[ to Leia:] This mission, it would seem, hath fail’d, ’less there
Is yet some unknown force to rescue us.

Leia

We must have confidence—all is not lost.
E’en in the darkest hour we may have hope—
Experience hath taught me thus, for once
I did lose thee, which was far worse than this.

Enter C-3PO and R2-D2.

C-3PO

What, ho! I say, ye stormtroopers, were you
A’searching for me and my mate?

Han

—The droid,
What is his game? I hope the silly fool
Knows what he does.

Chewbac.

—Auugh!

Command.

—Bring those two to me!
I’ll not be mock’d by droids whilst I have breath.

[The stormtroopers rush toward the droids.

C-3PO

They speed to us anon. I say, R2,
Art thou assur’d this is a good idea?

R2-D2

Beep, whistle, meep! [ Aside:] Thou soon shalt see, my friend,
How well I have consider’d this idea.
For though the furry creatures harmless seem,
And though I am a simple, squeaking droid,
Together we’ve a cunning strategy.

TROOPER 2

Now freeze, ye wayward droids! And do not move!

C-3PO

Most heartily I grant thee my surrender.

[The stormtroopers reach the droids. As they begin to take the droids to the other rebels, Ewoks enter from every corner of the stage to fight the Imperial troops. The Ewoks blow horned instruments to signal the attack.

Han

What sound is this? The call of horns and fife!
The battle hath begun in earnest with
A fairer balance of the rival sides.
Those noble little creatures have arriv’d
To bear the standard of our worthy cause.
What loud commotion hath their coming made—
Now arrows fly from their well-aimèd bows,
And hit the mark—the troops fall left and right.
O sit thee back no more, Han, take thy stand!
Let courage stir within my smuggler’s blood!

[Han begins fighting the Imperial troops around him.

Leia

O bravely met, good friends, fight on! Now Han,
We must unto the bunker and renew
Our effort to make entrance and destroy
The shield that still about the Death Star lies.
We represent Rebellion’s greatest hope!

[Han and Leia make their way to the bunker.

Exit Chewbacca, fighting. R2-D2 watches the battle from the other side of the stage.

R2-D2