William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

—Well consider’d, goldenrod.
Now let us go, my friends, and make our way
Unto the bunker. Guard, what ho?

[Han Solo approaches another Imperial scout.

Scout 4

—Thou knave,
What treachery is this?

[Imperial Scout 4 runs after Han Solo but soon is surrounded by rebels.

Han

—Such treachery
As shall an Empire conquer. Now, avaunt,
Thou scurvy servant of the Empire’s spite!

[The rebels subdue Imperial Scout 4.

Leia

Good friends and rebels all, are you prepar’d?
The moment is upon us, even now:
We shall the bunker enter sans delay,
And what we’ll find therein we do not know.
Belike some danger grave doth wait inside,
Mayhap far worse than ever we imagine.
Be ready—eyes alert and open wide!

[Han Solo, Chewbacca, Princess Leia, and rebels enter the bunker. Several Imperial troops are inside, surprised by the rebels’ entrance.

Han

Pray, mark me well, else all of you shall die:
Move quickly to the side, and let us in.

[Imperial troops move away, surrounded by rebels.

Go, brave Chewbacca, guard these wayward souls.

Leia

Make haste, good Han. The fleet shall be in range
Anon.

Chewbac.

—Egh, auugh!

Han

—Give me those charges, quick!

Enter moreIMPERIAL TROOPS, COMMANDERS, andSTORMTROOPERS, running into the bunker.C-3PO, still outside the bunker, sees them.

C-3PO

O my, they shall be captur’d! Misery!
If only I could quickly warn them all.

Wicket

Netah muah,
Meego thuah,
Meego gennem,
Puah, puah.

[Exit Wicket in haste.

R2-D2

Beep, meep!

C-3PO

—Where dost thou go? Come back! R2,
Stay here with me, I pray. My joints and wires
Are burning with my terror and my fear.
If thou dost leave, I surely shall melt down
From all the dread that runs through me.

R2-D2

—Meep, squeak!
[ Aside:] Though small, his brave protection shall I be!
We cannot save the others, and may not
E’en save ourselves, but I shall not, at least,
Desert C-3PO when he’s afear’d.

Command.

[ to Han:] Be still, thou rebel scum.

Han

[ aside:] —Alas, how’s this?
The Empire knew our plan—something’s amiss!

[Exeunt all, with Imperial troops subduing rebels.

Scene 2.

Inside the second Death Star.

Enter twoGUARDS.

Guard 1

Oi! Comrade, how art thou?

Guard 2

—Quite well, my friend.
Say, didst thou hear the news?

Guard 1

—What news, pray tell?

Guard 2

It seemeth we have found Skywalker.

Guard 1

—Aye?
The lad for whom we have for ages search’d?
The one o’er whom Darth Vader seems obsess’d?
The mighty boy of whom we’ve all been warn’d?

Guard 2

Indeed, the same—thou knowest whom I mean.

Guard 1

Where was he, then?

Guard 2

—Upon the moon.

Guard 1

—Which moon?

Guard 2

The moon around which we do orbit now.
E’en Endor.

Guard 1