William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

Alack! The sarlacc’s tentacle wraps ’round
My leg. I fear this is the end! O give
Me strength to face my death well.

Han

—Be thou still,
And Chewie, hand the blaster unto me.

Lando

A blaster in the hands of one who’s blind?
Methinks I may do better in the pit.
Good Han, think on the defects of thine eyes!

Han

My sight is much improv’d: my aim is true!

[Han Solo shoots the tentacle and lifts Lando onto the skiff.

Luke

Good Lando is safe once again, and Han
And Chewie steady are upon the skiff.
Thus shall I find the droids and Leia, then
Destroy this barge and Jabba’s courtiers all.

R2-D2

[ aside:] Now to the princess, to release her bonds!

Leia

All thanks, R2, now let us flee from here—
Find thou C-3PO, and we’ll away!

R2-D2

Beep, squeak!

Crumb

—My master’s dead, but no fool I—
I’ll fight these droids until my fate’s secure.

[Salacious Crumb pokes at C-3PO’s eyes.

C-3PO

Mine eyes, alas—O R2, help!

R2-D2

—Meep, squeak!
[ Aside:] Tear not my friend apart, you tallow face!

[R2-D2 shocks Salacious Crumb, who jumps away.

Crumb

The droid hath zapp’d me quite! O naughty imp!

C-3PO

O counterpart from Heaven sent, my thanks!
But now, R2, say where dost thou lead me?
Why do we swift approach the vessel’s edge?
This is most curious and passing strange,
For I could not jump to the sand, and ’tis
From here a mighty drop indeed—

[R2-D2 pushes C-3PO off the edge of the barge into the sand and falls in after him.

R2-D2

—Nee, hoo!

Luke

I prithee, Leia, take the gun and point
It yonder, at the deck! The barge shall fall!

[Luke is shot in the hand by a guard.

[ Aside:] Alas, my hand, but ’tis my hand of steel,
It causes me some pain, but not as ’twould
Were it my own real flesh. Strange notion, this.
I have not time to think on it, but shall,
Another time, consider this my hand.

Leia

The gun is pointed at the deck: ’tis time.

Luke

Then let it fly, and we’ll escape forsooth!
’Tis well a rope is here to swing us o’er
Another chasm—what serendipity!

[Luke and Princess Leia swing from the barge onto the skiff.

Leia

[ aside:] Once have I swung with him across a chasm,
Now swing we once more to the waiting skiff.
We have a way of swinging through our fears!

Han

We all are now on board the skiff—away!
This brave event shall be remember’d, Luke,
And since I have been thaw’d, my warmest and
My most sincere appreciation do
I give thee for my rescue well devis’d.

Luke

My friend, ’tis none but what thou wouldst for me.
Now, let us flee—the droids, do not forget.

Lando

We fly indeed, by foes no more beset.

[The barge explodes and all on board die.