William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

—What role shall I play in this? I shall
Not stand aside and let them fight for me.
I am no fragile damsel to be sav’d,
But have, since I was young, fought for myself.
Thus, to my work: to slay the biggest foe—
Thou, Jabba, art for me and me alone!

Fett

I shall fly unto the fray, for no mere band of rebels shall outwit the great Jabba of the Hutt. They shall not easily defeat the one who doth fill my coffers. Not, indeed, as long as Boba Fett hath pow’r to live and breathe. To it!

[Lando fights with a guard and falls off the skiff toward the pit.

Lando

Alas, my friends, I fall!

[Boba Fett flies to the skiff.

Han Solo and Chewbacca fall.

Luke

—Nay, thou vile Fett!
Thou shalt not have the best of us. A-ha!

[Luke strikes Boba Fett’s blaster.

Thy blaster’s now in twain by my lightsaber.

Fett

A hit, a very palpable hit! He hath torn my blaster in twain with his lightsaber, but I shall have him yet, and protect my great reward. Go, ropes, and bind this rascal Jedi. Belike Jabba shall further payment render when he doth see the noble deeds done for his sake.

[Boba Fett binds Luke Skywalker with ropes, but then is knocked down. Luke escapes and jumps to another skiff, fighting the guards there.

Lando

Han! Chewie! Can ye hear me?

Han

—Lando!

Chewbac.

—Auugh!

[Boba Fett stands up and takes aim at Luke.

Fett

I have thee in my sights now, Jedi. Thou shalt feel the pow’r of my rockets, and be no more.

Chewbac.

Egh!

Han

—Boba Fett? What Boba Fett, and where?

[Han Solo moves and activates Boba Fett’s jets, sending him flying into the pit.

Fett

Alas! The greatest Fett shall not die like this!
O horrid Fate! Where is now my great reward?

[Boba Fett falls into pit and dies.

Jabba

Nuh oola koobah!

Leia

—Those shall be thy words
Most final! Now, the chains that bind me to
This wretched lump of flesh shall be my hope!
Whilst Jabba worries o’er the battle, I
Shall throw the chains about his neck. Then, pull!
Aye, pull—a princess’ vengeance! Die, thou brute!
Thou unsuspecting Hutt, I curse thy life!
For all the innocent whoe’er did die,
For all the noble souls thou didst torment,
For all the gentle lives that are no more,
For all the galaxy’s injustice—die!

[Princess Leia strangles Jabba of the Hutt. He dies.

Han

Good Lando, thou didst turn thy back on me,
But thou shalt have a chance to earn thy due
Since Luke and Chewie tell me of thy shame.
Chewbacca, lift me down that I may save
Him from a thousand years of pain.

Luke

—Brave Han
Attempts to rescue Lando, but the gun
From on the barge doth block his progress. Fie!
No rest from trouble have we here—these foes
Will not let us escape without a fight.
They do intend to block us all the way—
Then to the barge, to aid the rescue. Fly!

[Luke jumps onto Jabba’s barge.

Han

Pray, grasp the staff!

Lando

—I almost have it!

Chewbac.

—Auugh!

Lando