Widows

Hardly able to stand it, Shirley stepped forward to comfort Dolly, but Bella stopped her. Dolly had to let it all go, because keeping it all inside was killing her. The sobbing went on and on and on until finally Dolly was so exhausted that she had nothing left. Helping her to her feet, Bella gently held her again, rocking Dolly back and forth and whispering to her that it was all right. It was all right now. It was all over.

None of them could believe that this was the strong-minded woman they had fought and argued with for months and months. Linda felt so guilty she couldn’t look at Dolly and just sat clenching and unclenching her hands. Shirley lit a cigarette, bent down and held it out to Dolly, but she was too exhausted even to lift her hand to take it. Shirley held it to her lips and Dolly drew on the hot smoke, pulling at the cigarette like a baby with a dummy, filling her lungs and slowly letting the smoke drift out.

The tears rolled down Dolly’s face, but she made no effort to wipe them away. She tried to stand, but was too weak, so Bella guided her to a chair. Dolly sat motionless, the front of her dressing gown wet with tears and the sleeve wet with blood.

The girls waited.

Eventually Dolly spoke. Her speech was a stream of disjointed thoughts as she tried to piece it all together.

‘I suspected when I went to Jimmy Nunn’s place... but not for certain... and... I didn’t want to believe it was possible... I thought I’d buried him, but it was Jimmy Nunn. I buried Jimmy Nunn... I cried for Jimmy Nunn... Harry must have been driving the front van... I’m so sorry. He was the fourth man and I’m so very, very sorry for what happened to your fellas.’

‘But Harry’s watch. Was Jimmy wearing it?’ Linda asked sincerely.

Dolly shook her head. ‘Only Harry knows...’

She held out her hand for another cigarette and Shirley handed one to her. Dolly sat and smoked in silence. Then her face suddenly twisted, her body shaking as she spoke. ‘The way that Trudie looked at me when I introduced meself! It was as if I was a piece of dirt. I think he was there. Hiding. Wolf knew, I think. Wolf could smell his dad in that grubby little dump of a flat. Just like he smelt him in the lock-up.’ Dolly held her head in her hands in disbelief. ‘I loved him so much. He was my life, I loved him from the first moment I saw him.’ She took a moment to try and calm herself. ‘Even when I pieced it together, I still — I still wanted him back.’ She lowered her head with shame. ‘I still loved him then, I wanted to be with him, but I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t tell you that. I was too ashamed.’ Dolly wiped her nose with the sleeve of her dressing gown and looked up at the girls. ‘I wouldn’t have let him touch your money,’ she said. ‘He would have had to kill me first.’

Dolly stood up, tall and straight. She tightened her dressing gown belt and ran her hands through her hair. She was a fighter: she always had been and there was still plenty of fight left in her.

‘I’ve left him nothing,’ she told them. ‘No money, no ledgers, nothing, not even a roof over his head. I’ve sold the house and everything in it from under him. On paper he’s dead, so there’s nothing he can do about it. All he can do now is go on the run. And keep running.’

Bella put up her hand as if she’d heard enough. ‘Take it easy, Dolly, you don’t know for certain he’s alive — none of us do. But even if he is, why sell everything so quickly and leave yourself with nowhere to live?’

Dolly smiled and calm spread over her face.

‘What are you going to do, Dolly?’ Shirley asked.

‘Buy twenty years of my life back.’ She walked toward the bedroom.

‘That’s it, Dolly. You have a lie down,’ Linda said.

Dolly turned, her hands spread against the bedroom doorframe as she regained her strength. ‘I’m not tired. I’m going to get a new face, a new body even. They can do wonders nowadays, and God knows I’m rich enough. I’ll buy youth with my share, and I’ll soon look as good as any one of you.’

She stared at them, swaying slightly, then turned and walked into the bedroom. She needed to be alone.

Bella recalled Dolly that day at the beach when they were rehearsing the robbery. She remembered the way Dolly had punished herself, desperate to be as good as them, putting on a show of bravado that she was as fit as they were. Bella knew she was acting her socks off then, just as she was now, and she was damned good at hiding her true feelings: she was feeling old and out of place. Looking at Shirley and Linda, Bella saw they were taken in by the act and believed Dolly was going to have a facelift.

Shirley followed Dolly. ‘Come on. Get into your nice dress! The table’s waiting — best club in Rio.’

Dolly stopped for a second, braced herself and turned to Shirley. ‘I’m going to stay here, but you go. Enjoy yourselves. I’ve got a new life to plan.’