Where There's Smoke

Kate forgot her nervousness. “Did they use his sperm or a donor’s?”

“Oh, Kate, please, not while I’m eating!” Lucy pulled a face. “Anyway, I don’t know all the details. They emigrated.”

She bent over her food again, then stopped. She gave Kate a sharp look. “How come you’re so interested?”

Kate made a show of forking up more of her salad. “I’m not. It’s just... you know, an interesting subject.”

She was acutely aware that Lucy was still not eating. There was a silence. Kate kept her attention on her food. Then Lucy spoke.

“You’re not.”

“Not what?”

“Thinking about having it!”

Kate tried an incredulous laugh. “me? Oh, come on!”

“You are, aren’t you!”

“No! Of course not!” She tried to look Lucy in the eye, but couldn’t. “Not seriously. I was just, you know... Look, will you stop staring at me like that?”

“I’m sorry, Kate, but what do you expect?” Lucy set down her knife and fork, the moussaka forgotten. “Well, this is one for the diary, isn’t it? What’s brought this on? Not what I said the other night, surely?”

Kate felt relief that the subject was finally broached. “Only partly. But when I thought about it, you were right. It is time I decided what I want.”

“I didn’t mean you’d got to rush out and do something straight away, though.” Lucy was looking at her with disbelief. “And certainly nothing like this!”

“I know you didn’t, but when I saw that article, it just gelled. I mean, I do want children. I even tried talking about it once to Paul, for all the good that did. Then, after we broke up, there didn’t seem any point in even thinking about it.” She leaned forwards, warming to her argument. “Because I’m single, and want to stay that way, I’ve just assumed that having a baby isn’t an option. But why shouldn’t it be? You know, it isn’t as if—”

Kate broke off as a shadow fell across the table. She looked up. The tramp she’d seen earlier was standing in front of them. His hair and beard were wild and matted, his clothes rags. He stank. He held out his hand in supplication, but didn’t look at either her or Lucy. His eyes stared at a point above them, remaining fixed on it even though his head was constantly moving from side to side in a syncopated twitch. “Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you.” The words were delivered in a flat mumble. Before Kate could react the waiter came rushing out of the café, began hustling the man away. The tramp slowly moved off, his mantra and twitch uninterrupted. Shaking his head, the waiter watched him go. “They should be locked up,” he said, giving them a grin as he went back inside. The people at the other tables returned to their food. The incident seemed to be ignored by common consent.

Lucy turned back to Kate. Her forehead was tucked into a frown. “You’re not serious, are you?”

Kate felt her enthusiasm begin to dampen. “I’ve not actually decided anything, if that’s what you mean. I wanted to see what you thought I should do.”

Lucy sat back. “Lord, Kate, I can’t believe you even have to ask! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve nothing against artificial insemination in itself. For a couple who can’t have kids, like Jack’s cousin, I suppose it’s a godsend. But not for a single woman.”

“You think it’s a bad idea, then?” Disappointment uncoiled in Kate’s stomach.

“Of course I do! I mean, raising kids is hard enough when there’s two of you. It must be a nightmare for a single parent! Any woman who’d voluntarily get herself into that mess wants her head looking at. And what about the agency? You’ve only just got that big account you’ve been chasing for ages. They’ll be really pleased if you spring maternity leave on them!”

Kate noticed that the woman at the next table was sitting perfectly still, her head cocked in their direction. She lowered her voice. “It wouldn’t be for nearly a year yet. And I wouldn’t need that much time off. I could work from home. Besides, I thought you said I should have a life outside the agency? What happened to deciding what I want and then doing something about it?”

“Yes, but within reason. All right, if you want a baby I can understand that. But don’t you think this is leaping to extremes? What’s wrong with trying the normal way first? You know, husband first, baby second?”

Kate glanced at the woman at the other table, who had now edged her seat nearer. She leaned closer to Lucy. “Because I don’t want a husband. And I’m certainly not going to get involved with someone just so I can have their baby. I’ve been on my own since I was nineteen. I like being independent. Why should this be any different?”

“Because it is different.”

“Why is it? Just because I don’t have a partner doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t still have a baby. I can afford it. I’m not some naive teenager. So why shouldn’t I?”

“Come on, Kate, you know as well as I do! If you’d got yourself knocked up accidentally, that’d be one thing, but you’re talking about letting yourself be... be impregnated by a complete stranger! These clinics don’t even tell you who’s sperm they’re using, do they?”