Voices in a Haunted Room

“Of you and myself, and I awake hating myself. Your standards are not mine. You are soon to be married. We are actually preparing for your wedding. And I am married to David, your own brother. He is such a good man.”

“Yes, David is a good man.”

“He is at Clavering now, working hard as he always does, thinking perhaps that we shall soon be together. You have tried to explain yourself to me ... your philosophy of life. It is so cynical, Jonathan. You think so little of matters which are of the utmost seriousness to me.”

“We won’t hurt David. He shall never know.”

“How can you be sure? I’d rather die than that he should know.”

“He won’t suspect. He would never doubt you. He is completely straight himself and he thinks others are the same, particularly you. He has lived his life along lines laid down for him. I know him well. We were in the nursery together; we shared tutors.

I was the devious one. I made adventure. I used to spy for my old nurse when she became quite mad, and was so upset by my mother’s death that she watched my father, hoping to catch him in some villainy. Every woman who interested him she wanted to know about. I actually enjoyed that. Once I followed him and your mother into Enderby.

That old house, how it crops up! It seems to be a place for secret assignations.

David is simple ... I don’t mean mentally. He is very clever, intellectually, far more than I ever was, but he is ignorant of life ... my sort of life. He lives conventionally, thinks conventionally, and he is inclined to bestow on everyone else the same qualities which he possesses. Therefore he would never suspect.”

“If this terrible wrong I have done him ...”

“I have told you it is only a wrong if it is found out.”

“I don’t accept your cynical deductions. But if this terrible wrong I have done him can be kept from him, I shall never, never do anything that can hurt him again.”

“It is unwise to make such vows, Claudine.”

I stood up and he was beside me.

“What a beautiful day,” he said. “The river, the quiet of the countryside ... and you alone here with me.”

“Let us go back,” I said.

We rode back and when we reached the City the crowds were still in the streets.

There were one or two servants in the house. They told us that they were having time free in the evening when the others returned.

It was about five o’clock.

Jonathan said: “As you have no desire to remain in the house, I suggest we go out again. In an hour, eh? We’ll get a boat and I’ll row you down the river ... or up tf you prefer. You shall decide.”

I was so happy and the day was not yet over. I wanted so much to be with him. I believed I enjoyed the battle within myself and I was gratified because I was sure of my ability to win.

“Change into something, not too elaborate,” he said. “We don’t want to attract the attention of rogues and pickpockets. We’ll look like a merchant and his wife out to enjoy all the fun.”

It must have been about six o’clock when we left the house. The river was even more crowded and the taverns overflowing. Jonathan put his arm through mine protectively and held me close against him as we made our way down to the river’s edge, where he hired a boat.

There were a lot of craft on the river and Jonathan said we must get away from the crowds. It was not easy but Jonathan was determined, and as most people did not want to stray too far from the centre of the town where all the fun was, in due course we found ourselves passing through Kew on the way to Richmond.

There was magic in the evening, or perhaps I felt that because Jonathan was beside me. He managed the boat with easy skill. I trailed my hand in the water and thought: I’m happy. I want this to go on and on. There was no harm in being happy, was there?

“This is pleasant isn’t it?” he asked.

“It’s lovely.”

“You look contented. I like to see you thus. This has been a wonderful day for me, Claudine.”

“I have enjoyed it very much.”

“And do you feel you know me a little better now?”

“Yes. I think perhaps I do.”

“And do I improve on closer acquaintance?”

I was silent.

”Do I?” he insisted.

“I could never think as you do, Jonathan. I could not take such a view of life.”

“So you would suffer agonies of remorse when there is no need to.”

“Oh, Jonathan, as I see it, there is every need to.”

“One of these days I will make you see from my point of view.”

“It is too late,” I told him. “I married David and you are going to marry Millicent.

Let your consolation-if consolation you need-be that her father’s financial interests will make very sturdy bricks in that great family edifice which it is so important to build. If you had married me, I should have brought you nothing. Think what you would have missed!”

“David would have had Millicent then.”

“David ... Millicent. Oh no!”

“I agree he would have been no match for her. Accept life, Claudine. He takes you.

I take Millicent. But you and I are caught in love, and if in life one cannot have everything one wants, at least one can take what one can get.”