Voices in a Haunted Room

How he revealed himself to me! What had I done? I had betrayed the best of men for the sake of a philanderer.

“Jonathan,” I said, “it is clear that you do not take this situation seriously.”

”I take you, Claudine, with the utmost seriousness. I am simply saying that there is nothing for us to worry about.”

“This deceit! This betrayal! This bringing into the world of a child, letting David believe it is his when it might not be?”

“Very high-sounding,” he said. “But, my dear Claudine, let us look at the facts.

We have absolutely nothing to worry about. The child will have the best of everything.

He’ll inherit his share of Eversleigh. It’s really very convenient, keeping it in the family as it were.”

I turned away and he laid his hand on my arm.

“Claudine,” he said pleadingly. “What a curse it is that all those people are working in Enderby. I’ve thought of you constantly all the tune I’ve been away.”

I had changed. That pleased me. I was no longer moved. I saw hirn too clearly, or was it because the child had already made me into a different woman?

I thought exultantly: It’s over. He has no power over me now.

But it was too late.

I saw his expression of dismay change to resignation as I turned from hun and galloped back to the house.

I was absolutely sure now, but I hesitated to tell David. That was going to be very hard. I knew that he would be delighted and I should feel this sick remorse because of the truth.

I went to my mother’s room. She was resting, which was unusual for her. She was lying on her bed in a peacock-blue peignoir, looking rather languid and as beautiful as ever-no, more so because there was a special radiance about her.

“I’ve come to talk to you,” I said. “No, don’t get up. I’ll sit here.”

I sat on the bed and she looked intently at me. “I think I know what you are going to tell me, Claudine.”

“Do you?”

She nodded. “I recognized the signs some tune ago. My dearest, I’m so happy for you.

It is a baby, isn’t it?”

I nodded. She began to laugh suddenly.

“You find it amusing?” I asked.

“Very. Wait till you hear.”

I looked at her in puzzlement and it was some seconds before she spoke. Then she said: “Me, too.”

“What?”

“I’m so happy, Claudine. It was all I lacked and now, I’m going to have a child, too. Isn’t that funny, gloriously funny. You and I, mother and daughter, in the same predicament.”

She had sat up and caught me to her. We rocked to and fro for a moment laughing.

Perhaps my laughter was a little hysterical, but in her joy she did not notice it.

I thought: If only I could tell her. A burden shared is a burden halved, someone had said. But then was it fair to make others carry your troubles? I had made them myself. They were my affair. I must not involve her. I must not put a cloud into all the happiness I saw in her face.

“Of course you think I’m old,” she said. “But I’m not too old, Claudine. I can just about make it.”

“You’ll never be old. You’re eternally youthful.”

“There speaks my dutiful daughter, saying what she thinks Mother likes best to hear.

You’re right. I do. But truth is truth, is it not, and I am no longer in my first flush of youth.”

“What does Dickon say?”

“Pure delight. Well, not exactly complete delight. Thrilled about the child, of course, but like you he remembers that I am not so young. I think he is going to fuss a bit.

It will be odd to see him like that. He is already looking at me as though I might break at any minute.”

“How lucky you are to love like that.”

“Well, isn’t it the same with you and David?”

I nodded because I could not speak.

“I’m glad it was David you cared for,” she said. “Jonathan is very like his father ... David is quite different.”

“And you think Dickon is the perfect man.”

“Oh, far from it. I soon discovered Dickon’s weaknesses. Odd, that I should love them more than other people’s virtues. Jonathan reminds me very much of what Dickon was at his age. I think he and Millicent will make a match of it. The Pettigrews want it. It joins up the banking interests, and Lord Pettigrew is very much involved with-that other work, I gather. But what about us? Two mothers, eh? What does David say?”

“I haven’t told him yet.”

“You haven’t told him! You mean I am the first to know.”

“You didn’t tell me first,” I said reproachfully.

“As a matter of fact I was a trifle embarrassed ... at my time of life with a grown-up son and a married daughter. It seems indecent somehow.”

”How absurd, Maman.”

“Wait till Dickon hears your news. He’ll be so delighted. He always wanted a grandson.

I suppose you want a boy.”

“I don’t care what it is.”

“No. And I feel the same. It’s not so important for us. Dickon already has two sons.

I think I should like a little girl.” She looked tenderly at me and I put my arms round her. “Girls are closer in a way,” she added.

I felt it would be a great luxury then to let myself weep, and to tell her everything that had happened.

She stroked my hair. “You mustn’t be afraid, Claudine. I sensed that you have been a little, lately. Now I know why. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”