Voices in a Haunted Room

“She is happy. Is she not married to me? I tell you, Claudine, I am the very model of a husband.”

“On the surface,” I said. “You do not seem to fit the description at this moment.”

“And who is to blame for that?”

“You are to blame.”

“Not entirely. I share the blame with you.”

I was angry. I had tried so hard to forget what had happened and he only had to look at me to remind me. I despised my weakness in the past, and it was particularly shameful because I could so easily fall into temptation again. I vigorously snapped a stem.

“Don’t blame the daisies for fate, Claudine,” he said. “Poor little starry creatures.

It is not their fault that you and I were meant for each other and that you discovered it too late. But you should be grateful. You would never have known how perfect a relationship can be ... but for the time you spent with me.”

“I have never known real peace since.”

“Poor Claudine. You would have gone on living in ignorance, contented perhaps in a mild cosy way ... never really living. Safe in your little paradise, never venturing into the real world ... the world of passion and adventure and the excitement which comes from living life to the full. Into your self-made paradise, walled in with the security of cosy unawareness, came the serpent one day and tempted you to eat of the tree of knowledge ... and this you did. You tasted the true joy of living ... and ever since you have been afraid . ? ? afraid to live ... afraid to love ... You know this and you long to escape to me ... You won’t admit it. But I know it and so do you ... in your secret thoughts.”

“I must go in,” I said.

“Retreat is a symbol of defeat.”

I turned to face him. “I am trying to forget that ever happened.”

“You never will.”

“Jonathan, I am going to try.”

“Face the truth,” he said. “What I have said is right. You will never forget. You have tasted the fruit of the tree of knowledge. Rejoice, my darling. Life was meant to be lived joyously.”

“I want to live mine ... honourably,” I said.

And I turned and walked across the kwn.

“Isn’t it a beautiful afternoon?” said my mother. “There won’t be many more this year. Come and sit down for a while.”

I thought she might notice the colour in my cheeks, that sparkle of battle in my eyes which came when I had these encounters with Jonathan, so I said: “I think I should put the flowers in water first. They wilt so quickly. Then I’ll join you.”

Jonathan threw himself down beside my mother.

I heard him say as I hurried across the lawn: “How beautiful you are, dear Step-mama!”

Later I had a talk with Millicent, and that again made me uneasy.

She wanted to borrow one of my brooches which she needed for a dress she was wearing; she explained that she had left most of her jewellery in London. She knew my garnet-and-diamond brooch well ... and if I could spare it ...

“Of course,” I said. “I’ll bring it along when we go upstairs.”

When I went to her room she was seated at the dressing table wearing a peignoir of magenta colour which suited her. Her dark hair was loose and she looked so much prettier than she used to.

“That’s what I wanted,” she said. “Thank you, Claudine.”

I hesitated. This was the room which they shared legitimately. I thought of that other room ... dusty blue curtains and the mysterious voice which had come to me through the speaking tube.

I did not want to think about Millicent and Jonathan together. I could imagine so much so vividly. I felt a frustrated anger as I looked at her. I had to admit that I was jealous. What was the use of pretending that I did not care for him, that I wanted to forget? No. I wanted to remember. I wanted to dream about those days when I had forgotten my marriage vows, when I had behaved so wantonly and been so happy.

It was no use deceiving myself. Whatever he was, I wanted him. Did I love him? Who could truly define love? I loved David. I would have done a great deal not to hurt him. There were tunes when I hated myself for what I had done. But if feeling wildly excited, that the world was a delightful place and that I had so much to learn of many things which I wanted him to teach me ... if that was love ... then I loved Jonathan.

She bad picked up the garnet brooch and held it against her peignoir.

“It’s very pretty,” she said. “So kind of you, Claudine.”

“It’s nothing. I’m glad you like it.”

“One can’t take all one’s things when travelling.”

“Of course not.”

“And we left in rather a hurry. That’s how it always seems with Jonathan.” She smiled indulgently.

“Yes, I supposed so. You look ... very happy.”

“Oh, I am. I never dreamed ...” She was smiling, looking back, I imagined ...

thinking of their being together.

“Well, that is how it should be,” I said, trying to speak in a cool matter-of-fact way.

“Some people think it was a marriage of convenience.”

“You mean ... you and Jonathan?”

She nodded. “Well, the parents were rather pleased.”

“Yes, it was what they hoped for on both sides.”

“You would have thought ... in the circumstances ... But it was not at all like that.”