Understanding Asexuality

Interestingly, when the fantasies do occur in asexual people in a consistent or systematic way, they are often, although not always, still of a “disconnected” sort. That is, these people often view themselves as not being part of the sexual acts they are fantasizing about or viewing (e.g., pornography). In other words, they themselves are not connected to anything or anyone sexual. It is as if their own identities—who they are as individuals—are not sexual (they are not attracted to anyone or anything), but their bodies, or (more correctly) aspects of their mind related to sexual arousal but not fully connected to their identity, may still need sexual stimulation for them to masturbate (and perhaps receive pleasure). This “disconnect” of identity from masturbation and sexual fantasy is very intriguing. To me, it still suggests that these people lack sexual attraction on some level (and thus have an “asexual” orientation), because their identity—who they are as individuals—is not sexually connected to anyone or anything. However, we will take up these fascinating questions and their implications—such as whether these people have a paraphilia and whether they can still truly be labeled asexual (i.e., lacking in sexual attraction)—further in chapter 10 (Bogaert, 2008).

Summary

There are probably a number of different functions (e.g., pleasure, script development and rehearsal, health benefits) to human masturbation, this most common of sexual behaviors. Although they do not masturbate to the same degree as sexual people do (as one might expect), asexual people may have a masturbation history, and some may masturbate at a relatively high frequency. This fact reinforces the idea that what might be termed “sexual” behaviors, such as masturbation, are not necessarily completely absent in asexual people. It also lends support to the idea that what is termed a “sexual” behavior may, sometimes, be devoid of intense sexual feelings (even in sexual people), and yet it may still serve a function (such as health or physical release). The fact that some asexual people masturbate and some asexual people do not also reinforces the idea that asexuality is a diverse phenomenon. In other words, there are different types of asexual people, some of whom have desire (or at least impulses and urges, even if they are not intensely “sexual” desires) and some who do not. There may be a core element to all asexual people, however: a lack of sexual attraction (see also chapter 2). Finally, the ideas brought forward in this chapter confirm the notion that researchers should be aware that some people who identify as asexual may have a paraphilia, a sexual attraction to something unusual. One way of finding out more about whether some masturbating asexual people have paraphilias is to study their fantasies, which reveal (often secret) attractions. More research is also needed to verify some of the conclusions I have drawn in this chapter, in part because the data on which I have based these conclusions are incomplete and/or somewhat informal in nature (e.g., quotes from relatively few individuals). So more questions, even seemingly dumb ones, need to be asked.

CHAPTER 6 Sex and Gender

The holy grail of sexual mysteries is female sexuality. Sex researchers regularly salivate, like Pavlov’s dogs, at the prospect of solving this mystery of mysteries. Even Sigmund Freud, who was never one to shy away from asserting his knowledge of human behavior, recognized his ignorance and famously queried, “What do they want?”

Some modern examples: There’s a relatively famous song by a female singer—“I know what boys like; I know what guys want” (The Waitresses, n.d.). There is no equivalent song about female desire sung by a male singer. There is a well-known picture (e.g., on the Internet) of two black boxes, one of which has a sole “on/off” switch and is labeled “the man”; the other has a vast array of dials and knobs and is labeled “the woman.” I show this picture in my human sexuality class when I address differences in sexuality between men and women. Aside from a few students with blank looks, they laugh. The humor occurs because they know, on some level, that inside the woman’s black box (aptly named) is that mystery of mysteries—the complex nature of women’s desire—and that inside the man’s black box (not so aptly named) is, well, one thick wire leading to that on/off switch.

In this chapter, I discuss the mysterious nature of women’s (and men’s!) sexuality, particularly as it is relates to asexuality. In other words, I explore how sex and gender affect sexuality and asexuality.