Under the Lights

He pries my fingers off his face. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” he says, keeping his voice low. “It was more than a one-time thing, huh?”

I swallow hard and nod.

“You like her?”

I nod again, feeling the lump in my throat grow.

“And it’s pretty clear that’s mutual.”

I nod again.

“But…” He spreads out his hands, as if the fact that that hasn’t translated into us being together right now is incomprehensible.

“But she’s a girl,” I whisper. “And so am I.”

“So you’re a lesbian, K-drama, not an axe murderer. Why do you say that like it’s the most horrible confession on earth?”

“Because it may as well be, and you know it!” My voice heightens a little as I blurt that out, and I drop it back down to a whisper. “I have enough stacked against me as an actress, and enough stacked against me with my parents, too. I can’t add this on top of everything else. I’d never work again—”

“Come on, that’s not true. We’ve seen plenty of actors come out and continue to get work.”

“Oh, please — they almost never get as much as they did before. And when they do, it’s always some white guy or girl who already has so many acting credits that no one gives a shit. I mean, I don’t think they’ll kick me off Daylight or anything, but what if they do? What if fans are so pissed that they revolt and I get tossed off?”

“Then they’re assholes, K-drama! What do you want me to say? Anyone who doesn’t want you to be happy with who you are is an asshole. Fuck pleasing everyone else. You only live once. Who are you gonna do it for?”

“It’s not that easy, Josh. I want to keep acting. I want my career. I want to make it here. Maybe I can say screw it and get Bri back — which at this point is a big maybe — but if I lose what I wanna do with my life, then I’ll just be unhappy in a different way. And how long would Bri even wanna be around that?”

He sighs heavily. “So, basically, no one gets what they want — not me, not you, not her, not your parents. We’re all just fucked.”

“Well, that’s not entirely true. Liam seems to be doing A-OK.”

We both laugh. “Fucking Holloway,” Josh says, but there isn’t any anger behind it; I take that to mean that at least things between them are better now. “Well, I really hope you figure things out.” He flicks one of the ribbons tying my canopy to a post. “She seems like a cool girl, especially considering what a train wreck she could’ve been, with those genes. And it’s nice to see you happy.”

I lean over and peck him on the cheek. “Thanks, Josh. That’s really sweet. Especially considering…” I gesture between us.

He laughs. “Yeah, well, I had a feeling what your answer was gonna be, but I’m making some changes and I just didn’t want to leave any loose ends.” He braces his palms on his thighs and stands. “And on that note, I should head out and let you finish dealing with this crap.” He glances at my computer screen. “Hell, I should probably go do the same thing. But until then…” He pulls a keyring from his pocket, jiggles a single key from it, and presses it into my hand. “The guest house. Don’t know how much longer I’ll have it, but it’s yours while I do. Not like anyone else really uses it, anyway.”

“Josh—”

“It’s a temporary solution, but it’s something,” he says with a shrug. “I’ll see you around, K-drama.”

“Thank you.”

He nods and walks out, leaving me staring down at the imprint of the jagged metal in my hand and wondering when Josh Chester became the on-site best friend substitute I’d been looking for.

* * *

I don’t end up using the key. It just feels wrong, now that I know Josh’s feelings and he knows mine. I do, however, find a place that week — a temporary thing, while I look for something that feels a little more like home — and move in the next. It’s exhausting, doing it all around filming the show, and obviously my parents don’t help, but it’s got some basic furniture and Carly and Jamal help me bring over some clothing and pictures and stuff.

At least it’s something to focus on while the press analyzes my life. I’ve made as many statements as possible that Josh and I are just friends and that Zander and I are on very different schedules with all that’s going on in our careers and blah blah blah, but I have no idea if it’s helping.

The one thing I have done is break things off with Zander behind the scenes. It’s glaringly obvious that “relationship” was never going anywhere, and while there’s plenty I’m confused about right now, my feelings for him aren’t in that category. Nor are my feelings on that purity pledge. I wish I could say I did it the mature way I’d originally planned to, with an in-depth conversation to discuss our feelings and goals and whatever, but the truth is, I sent a lame-ass I can’t date you anymore text and then deleted every one of his responses. The only reason Jade hasn’t ripped me a new one yet is because I haven’t told her, and I’m guessing Zander hasn’t either. Like, he thinks I’m just on my period and will come to my senses eventually or something.