Under the Lights

I should’ve known that was coming. In a sense, I think I did. And looking back on my conversations with Ally, I think she knew it, too. So there’s nothing to do but nod and stand. “I will.”

I think the steadiness in my voice surprises all of us, but for the first time in forever, I have no shred of doubt about the decision I’m making. They’re the only two words I can manage to get out, though; if I try any others, I’ll crack. So instead, I turn, walk up the stairs, and pull up the e-mail Ally sent me months ago with listings for brokers.

I’ve been ignoring it forever because it’s so freaking overwhelming, but all it takes is closing my eyes and imagining the anger in my father’s eyes to force me to push through. For I don’t even know how long, I make myself look at listings and e-mail to set up appointments. Eventually, my exhaustion — physical and emotional — catches up with me, and I pass out right on my keyboard.

When I wake up, it’s to the sound of a familiar, grating voice coming from my doorway and saying, “Rise and shine, K-drama.”

I pick my head up slowly and wipe the sleep from my eyes and the drool from my keyboard. Seeing Josh Chester in my bedroom at my house — my parents’ house — does not compute. “What are you doing here? My parents are gonna kill you. After they kill me.”

“Oh, I’ve already been through the Park family wringer. They told me to make sure you’re packing. After yelling at me for ten minutes.”

Oof, well that’s embarrassing. And yet I’m sort of sorry I missed it. “And you stood through that? Why?”

“Because I needed to talk to you, and it couldn’t wait. But what the hell is going on here?”

“Oh, nothing big. Just my parents trying to get me to quit acting and then kicking me out because I won’t.” The words sound so crazy coming out of my mouth, I’d laugh if I didn’t feel so much like crying. “And what’s up with you?”

He scratches the back of his neck, looking sort of…nervous? If that’s a thing Josh Chester ever gets, anyway. He closes my bedroom door and takes a seat on my princess bed, shoving one of the canopy ties out of his face. “This is weird, and I don’t know how to say this kinda shit, so I’m just gonna say it, okay?”

Suddenly, I’m wide awake. I have no idea what he’s about to say, but he’s nervously picking at a nail and refusing to meet my eyes and I feel like I have no idea who I’m looking at right now.

And it’s strangely comforting to see someone who looks just as screwed up inside as I feel.

“Go for it.”

He takes a deep breath…and then mutters something I can’t even hear. So much for a grand announcement. But for a second, the tiniest part of me wonders if — maybe even hopes — he’s having the same kind of internal struggle that I am. I mean, Josh is one of the most notorious ladies’ men in Hollywood, but hey, most people think I was with Liam, and Zander, and am now hooking up with Josh, so.

I don’t even realize he thinks I did hear until he looks up at me with red cheeks, obviously awaiting a response, and I have to admit that I didn’t.

He rolls his eyes. “You’re just doing this to torture me, aren’t you.”

“For once, no. I really didn’t hear you.”

This seems to chill out his anxiety, and this time, he just says it. “I said I think I might be…into you. Which is weird, I know. And trust me, I wish I wasn’t. But I’m feeling weird about a whole lot of shit right now, and I just needed to know if you felt the same. At all. Or something.”

I’m so floored by his admission, I have no words. Zero. Which is awful, because he’s just sitting there, waiting, and nothing’s coming.

And then, I do the worst thing humanly possible.

I laugh.

It’s terrible, and I clap my hand over my mouth the second it comes out, but all I can think is that of all times for a guy to actually like me—like; not date me because of a publicity plan, or to get a purity pledge ring on my finger, or fantasize about dating me just because I’m famous and they have some absurd image of what that’ll be like — it has to be when my head and heart have finally realized I don’t want a guy at all.

When I pull my hand away to apologize, though, the laughter just comes out again, and I have to clap it back.

“Wow,” says Josh, a dark-red flush creeping up his neck, “tell me how you really feel.”

That finally gets me to stop. “I’m sorry,” I say, hoping it’s clear I mean it. “It’s just…your timing…” I shake my head. “There’s just some weird stuff going on now, and I didn’t expect that. I’m sorry.”

To my surprise, the corners of his lips tug up in a know-it-all little smirk. “You really do like her, don’t you?”

My entire body goes cold. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t freak out, okay? But I saw you, uh, with Mini-Ja — um, with Brianna. I wasn’t sure if that was a one-time kiss thing or—”

“Shh!” Before I know it, I’m jumping out of my desk chair and clapping my hand over his mouth. “Josh, please. You can’t tell anyone about that ever, okay? If my parents heard you say that—”