There Won't Be War

Trading on SEAQ has been suspended indefinitely, pending DTI and Scotland Yard inspection of irregularities in the affairs of at least twenty major companies, including banks, building societies, investment brokers, and multinational corporations.

A total of 32% of all the FT 100 company shares are now held in Soviet hands, and 19% in American hands. An announcement on compulsory nationalization is anticipated as one of the first moves of the incoming left-wing administration.

The outgoing Prime Minister is believed to be seeking asylum with a number of foreign governments. The South African and Paraguayan embassies have indicated that if she makes an application for citizenship it will be well received.

At the suspension of trading, the FT 100 index was hovering around the 1600 mark. The number of suicides in the City had risen to twenty-three confirmed with four attempts in intensive care. The ECU was hovering at 41 Kopeks, but showed no signs of making a late recovery.

And finally, we bring you a late announcement from the caretaker government, directed to the Kremlin and the White House:

We surrender, tovaritch.

No Carrier. Bye.

Iphigenia Nancy A. Collins

People are always asking me if I like my job or not. Sometimes I wish those reporters and TV people would ask me other things. I get tired of saying the same old stuff over and over again but I always smile and say yes. That’s my job.

I don’t really mind the reporters asking me things and stuff but I wish one of them would think of something new! Being famous is not what I thought it would be back when they started the Contest. I thought being famous was when you got to be on TV and in the paper. I didn’t think it could be boring. I was just a little kid back then. The President always laughs when I say that but he looks sad even when he is smiling. He looks sad a lot. I follow him around all the time, that’s why I know. That he looks sad, I mean. That’s my job.

I’m famous. Everybody knows who I am. I am not bragging or telling lies. I’ve been on the covers of all kinds of magazines since I got my job. Time. U.S. News & World Report, Newsweek. Even Weekly Reader! It was kind of neat, seeing pictures of me with the President and Dr. Ballard. I was even on TV! I bet Marjorie was really mad when she saw me on CNN! Marjorie thinks she’s hot snot because her dad bought her that pony but she’s really cold boogers.

I get to go to Camp David a lot. It’s ok but it isn’t as fun as Camp Tallyho when I went with Aunt Mimi and got to play with other kids and they gave me a neat T-shirt. I also get to go to all these weird countries with the President. It’s part of my job. That’s better than some stupid pony!

Even though I’m famous and everybody in the world knows who I am (I got a birthday present from the Queen! She sent me this really neat doll that used to belong to her grandmother. It’s real old, so Mama doesn’t let me play with it too much, but that’s okay, I guess.) I try not to let it make me stuck-up like Marjorie. Mama says I shouldn’t get a big head. She’s right. I’m real lucky they let her visit me on weekends. At first they said they couldn’t let her come and see me but Dr. Ballard made them change their minds. He said it was important that I needed to feel safe. He said other people might not understand taking a kid away from her mom and dad and making her live in the White House for so long. I don’t know how he talked them into it, but I’m glad Mama is here on Saturday and Sunday.

Dr. Ballard is a nice man. He’s almost as nice as the President. Dr. Ballard spends a lot of time with me and making sure I don’t get weird. He looks after me when Mama isn’t here. He’s the one who came up with this idea. He’s real smart. Some people say he’s a monster, bat they don’t know anything. They think it’s all a trick, that I don’t know what my job is really about. They think that because I’m a kid I don’t know anything. They must think kids are real stupid. Dr. Ballard says they’re just scared and I should feel sorry for them.

Dr. Ballard says that I’m a living symbol of life—not just here in the USA but all over the world. My job is to remind the President of that when things get bad.

I understand a lot about symbols. I understand them a lot better than when I first got into the Contest. A lot of people were against the Contest, but then something happened someplace that made them change their minds.

A bunch of doctors with white coats and clipboards came to our school and gave us a bunch of tests and took our pictures. None of us minded because it got us out of class for the day.

I was the only kid picked from my school. Mama took me to the testing center in another city, and I took some more tests and I talked to more people in white coats. There were other kids at the testing center too. Most of them were my age, which was ok, I guess, although there were a couple of big kids, too. The big kids didn’t pass the second test for some reason.