The World Without Flags

I make different speeches in my head. I thank him for what he’s done for us. I tell him that Eric and I will never forget him. In some version, I tell him I’m sorry for the way I treated him. It seems unfair. I don’t know why I get so angry with him. But the speeches don’t sound right. They sound false. When I plan it, it sounds then like someone else talking. I want to say those things, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to talk about these things. I remember the last thing I said to Eric, about him not being my father, and I remember how I felt even as I said it, like I didn’t know why I was saying it or why it came out sounding so cruel. I don’t know how to say goodbye to Pest, and I don’t know why, after all the death I’ve seen, the thought of Pest being gone from my life makes me feel weak and vulnerable.

“Stop it,” Pest says suddenly.

“Stop what?” I ask, shaken from myself and my thoughts.

“Stop diagnosing me with your eyes,” he says flatly. “I’m okay, trust me.”

“I’m not diagnosing you,” I scoff. But of course I am.

Pest doesn’t argue with me but he makes the slightest huff sound that says everything I need to know. It annoys me. Even though I’m lying, I’m offended he doesn’t believe me. I know that sounds stupid, but that’s what Pest does to me.

“I saw your wallet,” I tell him. Pest stops and then I stop too, giving Eric’s rope a sharp pull to get him to stop.

Pest looks at me. I can’t tell what the look he’s giving me is. Anger? Frustration? Patience? He’s impossible to read. “I thought probably you had,” he says finally. He leans over and pats Queen who’s come running back. Eric obediently stands next to them with his jaw wide open and his dark mouth stinking. Pest turns away from Queen and stands to look at me. “Yes,” he says. “I’m eighteen years old.” That was what it said on his school ID: born in the year 1982.

I cross my arms. “How is that possible? You look twelve.”

Pest clears his throat. He looks over to Eric and then back at me. “Shit,” he says finally. “I guess it was only a matter of time.”

“Just tell me,” I say.

Pest looks away into the forest and then back at me nervously. He sucks on a tooth and then clears his throat again.

“What is it?” I ask. He’s worrying me.

“You know why I haven’t got the Worm right now?” Pest asks. He looks at me steadily in the eye. “You can’t get the Worm twice.”

112

“Don’t look at me like that,” Pest says. “Just listen to me, Birdie. Don’t get angry, just listen for a second. Yes, sit down.

“I had the Worm. Back then, when it first came. I was young, like eight or nine, I guess. I remember getting sick. I remember the fever and the nightmares. But when I woke up one morning on the side of the road, the world was different. My parents were gone. All my friends were gone. There were three other boys with me. The oldest one, Shawn, had taken me because he felt sorry for me. I don’t know why they didn’t leave me or kill me. Maybe they didn’t know either. But they took me with them, and for some reason, I didn’t die from the Worm. I was like Eric for two or three months, I guess, and then I got better. I really don’t know why.

“After that I wandered from place to place with the boys. One by one, they died. Shawn was shot by a gang while we were looking for food. The boys didn’t last long. They died of sickness or hunger or by accident. But there were new boys that came to replace them. Always new kids, everywhere we went.

“I didn’t realize that I wasn’t like them until after the first few years. They were getting bigger. I wasn’t. The ones that lived were growing up fast and strong and tough. I wasn’t, at least not like they were. I grew slowly. Something about the Worm changed me. It slowed down some clock inside me. It wasn’t stopped, but it was slower. And because I wasn’t strong like the other boys were, I had to learn to think. I had to use my head to get what I wanted. But even so, I don’t think I would’ve survived much longer. I was lucky we found the Homestead. I was lucky they let us in.

“You asked me what I owe to Eric. I’ll tell you. He knew I once had the Worm. Eric is smart and he saw problems with my story. After a year had passed and I hadn’t grown much, he began asking me questions. I don’t know why I told him the truth. Something about Eric said I could trust him, or maybe I was too tired of keeping it all to myself. Eventually, when the rest of the boys grew and I didn’t, there would be questions, I knew that. So I told him. Anyone else would have either kicked me out or killed me on the spot. But Eric didn’t. He told me that my secret was safe with him. He told me never to tell anyone else. Most people would think I was a danger. They’d kill me. But not Eric.

“When the Worm broke out again at the Homestead, Eric knew it was possible to survive because of me. And I knew, I mean I know, that it’s possible that Eric can survive because I survived. I couldn’t let them kill him, and I couldn’t let you be out here alone.