The Last Hero

Dreamily, Rincewind pulled down the periscope and saw the huge fish section curving gently away from them. It came apart as it flew, and more dragons spread their wings and whirled away behind the Kite. Magnificent. A device for seeing behind you without slowing down? Just the thing no coward should be without.

‘I've got to get one of these,’ he murmured.

‘That seemed to go quite well, I thought,’ said Leonard. ‘I'm sure the little creatures will get back, too. Flitting from rock to rock… yes, I'm sure they will…’

‘Er… there's a strong draught by my seat—’ Carrot began.

‘Ah, yes… it would be a good idea to keep the helmets handy,’ Leonard said. ‘I've done my best, varnishing and laminating and so forth… but the Kite is not, alas, completely airtight. Well, here we are, well on our way,’ he added brightly. ‘Breakfast, anyone?’

‘My stomach feels very—’ Rincewind began, but stopped.

A spoon drifted past, tumbling gently.

‘What has switched off the down-ness?’ he demanded.

Leonard opened his mouth to say: No, this was expected, because everything is falling at the same speed, but he didn't, because he could see this was not a happy thing to say.

‘It's the sort of thing that happens,’ he said. ‘It's… er… magic.’

‘Oh. Really? Oh.’

A cup bumped gently off Carrot's ear. He batted it away and it disappeared somewhere aft.

‘What kind of magic?’ he said.

The wizards were clustered around the piece of omniscope, while Ponder struggled to adjust it.

A picture exploded into view. It was horrible.

‘Hello? Hello? This is Ankh-Morpork calling!’

The gibbering face was pushed aside and Leonard's dome rose slowly into view.

‘Ah, yes. Good morning,’ he said. ‘We are having a few… teething troubles.’

From somewhere offscreen came the sound of someone being sick.

‘Whatisgoingon?’ bellowed Ridcully.

‘Well, you see, it's rather amusing… I had this idea of putting food in tubes, you see, so that it could be squeezed out and eaten neatly in weightless conditions and, er, because we didn't tie everything down, er, I'm afraid my box of paints came open and the tubes got, er, confused, so what Mr Rincewind thought was broccoli and ham turned out to be Forest Green… er.’

‘Let me speak to Captain Carrot, will you?’

‘I'm afraid that is not entirely convenient at the moment,’ said Leonard, his face clouded with concern.

‘Why? Did he have the broccoli and ham too?’

‘No, he had the Cadmium Yellow.’ There was a yelp and a series of clangs somewhere behind Leonard. ‘On the brighter side, however, I can report that the Mk II privy appears to function perfectly.’

The Kite, in its headlong plunge, curved back towards the Rimfall. Now the water was a great tumbling cloud of mist.

Captain Carrot hovered in front of a window, taking pictures with the iconograph.

‘This is amazing,’ he said. ‘I'm sure we'll find the answers to some questions that have puzzled mankind for millennia.’

‘Good. Can you get this frying pan off my back?’ said Rincewind.

‘Um,’ said Leonard.

It was a sufficiently troubling syllable for the others to look at him.

‘We seem to be, er, losing air rather faster than I thought,’ said the genius. ‘But I'm sure the hull isn't any leakier than I allowed for. And we seem to be falling faster, according to Mr Stibbons. Uh… it's a little difficult to piece it all together, of course, because of the uncertain effects of the Disc's magical field. Um… we should be all right if we wear our helmets all the time…’

‘There's plenty of air nearer to the world, isn't there?’ said Rincewind. ‘Can't we just fly into it and open a window?’

Leonard stared mournfully into the mists that filled half of their view.

‘We are, er, moving very fast,’ he said, slowly. ‘And air at this speed… air is… the thing about air… tell me, what do you understand by the words “shooting star”?’

‘What is that supposed to mean?’ Rincewind demanded.

‘Um… that we die an immensely horrible death.’

‘Oh, that,’ said Rincewind.

Leonard tapped a dial on one of the tanks of air. ‘I really don't think my calculations were that wro—’

Light exploded into the cabin.

The Kite rose through tendrils of mist.

The crew stared.

‘No one will ever believe us,’ said Carrot, eventually. He raised his iconograph towards the view and even the imp inside, which belonged to a species that was seldom impressed with anything, said ‘Gosh!’ in a tiny voice as it painted furiously.

‘I don't believe this,’ said Rincewind, ‘and I'm seeing it.’

A tower, an immensity of rock, rose from the mist. And looming over the mist, huge as worlds, the backs of four elephants. It was like flying through a cathedral, thousands of miles high.

‘It sounds like a joke,’ Rincewind babbled, ‘elephants holding up the world, hahaha… and then you see it…’

‘My paints, where are my paints…?’ mumbled Leonard.

‘Well, some of them are in the privy,’ said Rincewind.

Carrot turned, and looked puzzled. The iconograph floated away, trailing small curses.

‘And where's my apple?’ he said.