The Last Hero

As one man, they turned in their seats to look at the Experimental Privy Mk 2. Mk 1 had worked – Leonard's devices tended to – but since a key to its operation was that it tumbled very fast on a central axis while in use it had been abandoned after a report by its test pilot (Rincewind) that, whatever you had in mind when you went in, the only thing you wanted to do once inside was get out.

Mk 2 was as yet untried. It creaked ominously under their gaze, an open invitation to constipation and kidney stones.

‘It will undoubtedly function,’ said Leonard, and just this once Rincewind noted the harmonic of uncertainty. ‘It is all just a matter of opening the correct valves in sequence.’

‘What happens if we don't open the right valves in sequence, sir?’ said Carrot, buckling himself in.

‘You must appreciate that I have had to design so many things for this craft—’ Leonard began.

‘We'd still like to know,’ said Rincewind.

‘Er… in truth, what happens if you don't open the right valves in sequence is that you will wish you had opened the right valves in sequence,’ said Leonard. He fumbled below his seat and produced a large metal flask of curious design. ‘Tea, anyone?’ he said.

‘Just a small cup,’ said Carrot firmly.

‘Make mine a spoonful,’ said Rincewind. ‘And what's this thing hanging in the ceiling in front of me?’

‘It's my new device for looking behind you,’ said Leonard. ‘It's very simple to use. I call it the Device For Looking Behind You.’

‘Looking behind you is a bad move,’ said Rincewind firmly. ‘I've always said so. It slows you down.’

‘Ah, but this way we won't slow down at all.’

‘Really?’ said Rincewind, brightening up.

A squall of rain banged on the tarpaulins. Carrot tried to see ahead. A gap had been cut in the covers so that the—

‘By the way… what are we?’ he said. ‘I mean, what do we call ourselves?’

‘Possibly foolish.’ said Rincewind.

‘I meant officially?’ Carrot looked around the crammed cabin. ‘And what do we call this craft?’

‘The wizards call it the big kite,’ said Rincewind. ‘But it's nothing like a kite, a kite is something on a string which—’

‘It has to have a name,’ said Carrot. ‘It's very bad luck to attempt a voyage in a vessel with no name.’

Rincewind looked at the levers in front of his seat. They had to do mainly with dragons. ‘We're in a big wooden box and behind us are about a hundred dragons who are getting ready to burp,’ he said. ‘I think we need a name. Er… do you actually know how to fly this thing, Leonard?’

‘Not as such, but I intend to learn very soon.’

‘A really good name,’ said Rincewind fervently. Ahead of them the stormy horizon was lit by an explosion. The boats had hit the Circumfence, and burst into fierce, corrosive flame. ‘Right now?’ he added.

‘The kite, the real kite, is a very beautiful bird,’ said Leonard. ‘It's what I had in mind when I—’

‘The Kite it is, then,’ said Carrot firmly. He glanced at a list pinned in front of him and ticked off one item. ‘Shall I drop the tarpaulin anchor, sir?’

‘Yes. Er. Yes. Do that,’ said Leonard. Carrot pulled a lever. Below and behind them there was the sound of a splash, and then of cable running out very fast

‘There's a reef! There's rocks!’ Rincewind stood up, pointing.

The firelight ahead glowed on something squat and immovable, surrounded by surf.

‘No turning back,’ said Leonard as the sinking anchor dragged the Kite's coverings off like an enormous canvas egg. He reached out and pulled handles and knobs like an organist in full fugue.

‘Number One Blinkers… down. Tethers… off. Gentlemen, each pull those big handles beside you when I say…’

The rocks loomed. The white water at the lip of the endless Fall was red with fire and glowing with lightning. Jagged rocks were a few yards away, hungry as a crocodile's teeth.

‘Now! Now! Now! Mirrors… down! Good! We have flame! Now what was it… oh, yes… Everyoneholdontosomething!’

Wings unfolding, dragons flaring, the Kite rose from the splintering barge and into the storm and over the Rim of the world…

The only sound was a faint whisper of air as Rincewind and Carrot clambered off the shivering floor. Their pilot was staring out of the window.

‘Look at the birds! Oh, do look at the birds!’

In the calm sunlit air beyond the storm they swooped and turned in their thousands around the gliding ship, as small birds will mob an eagle. And it did look like an eagle, one that had just snatched a giant salmon from the Fall…

Leonard stood entranced, tears running down his cheeks.

Carrot tapped him very gently on the shoulder. ‘Sir?’

‘It's so beautiful… so beautiful…’

‘Sir, we need you to fly this thing, sir! Remember? Stage Two?’

‘Hmm?’ Then the artist shuddered, and part of him returned to his body. ‘Oh, yes, very well, very well…’ He sat down heavily in his seat. ‘Yes… to be sure… yes. We shall, er, we shall test the controls. Yes.’

He laid a trembling hand on the levers in front of him, and placed his feet on the pedals. The Kite lurched sideways on the air.