The Hand Of Oberon

«Thank you,» I said, taking a sip of. the wine. «It makes it easier for me to speak then, seeing how things are with you. I am going to tell you everything that happened from breakfast till now…»

So I did.

She smiled occasionally as I spoke, but she did not interrupt. When I had finished, she asked, «You thought that mention of Martin would upset me?»

«It seemed possible,» I told her.

«No,» she said. «You see, I knew Martin in Rebma, when he was but a small boy. I was there while he was growing up. I liked him then. Even if he were not Random's son he would still be dear to me. I can only be pleased with Random's concern and hope that it has come in time to benefit them both.»

I shook my head.

«I do not meet people like you too often,» I said. «I am glad that I finally have.»

She laughed, then said, «You were without sight for a long while.»

«Yes.»

«It can embitter a person, or it can give him a greater joy in those things which he does have.»

I did not have to think back over my feelings from those days of blindness to know that I was a person of the first sort, even discounting the circumstances under which I had suffered it. I am sorry, but that is the way that I am, and I am sorry.

«True,» I said. «You are fortunate.»

«It is really only a state of mind - a thing a Lord of Shadow can easily appreciate.»

She rose.

«I have always wondered as to your appearance,» she said. «Random has described you, but that is different. May I?»

«Of course.»

She approached and placed her finger tips upon my face. Delicately, she traced my features.

«Yes,» she said, «you are much as I had thought you would be. And I feel the tension in you. It has been there for a long while, has it not?»

«In some form or other, I suppose, ever since my return to Amber.»

«I wonder,» she said, «whether you might have been happier before you regained your memory.»

«It is one of those impossible questions,» I said. «I might also be dead if I had not. But putting that part aside for a moment, in those times there was still a thing that drove me, that troubled me every day. I was constantly looking for ways to discover who I really was, what I was.»

«But were you happier, or less happy, than you are now?»

«Neither,» I said. «Things balance out. It is, as you suggested, a state of mind. And even if it were not so, I could never go back to that other life, now that I know who I am, now that I have found Amber.»

«Why not?»

«Why do you ask me these things?»

«I want to understand you,» she said. «Ever since I first heard of you back in Rebma, even before Random told me stories, I wondered what it was that drove you. Now I've the opportunity - no right, of course, just the opportunity - I felt it worth speaking out of turn and order beyond my station simply to ask you.»

A half-chuckle caught me.

«Fairly taken,» I said. «I will see whether I can be honest. Hatred drove me at first - hatred for my brother Eric - and my desire for the throne. Had you asked me on my return which was the stronger, I would have said that it was the summons of the throne. Now, though…now I would have to admit that it was actually the other way around. I had not realized it until this moment, but it is true. But Eric is dead and there is nothing left of what I felt then. The throne remains, but now I find that my feelings toward it are mixed. There is a possibility that none of us has a right to it under present circumstances, and even if all family objections were removed I would not take it at this time. I would have to see stability restored to the realm and a number of questions answered first.»

«Even if these things showed that you may not have the throne?»

«Even so.»

«Then I begin to understand.»

«What? What is there to understand?»

«Lord Corwin, my knowledge of the philosophical basis of these things is limited, but it is my understanding that you are able to find anything you wish within Shadow. This has troubled me for a long while, and I never fully understood Random's explanations. If you wished, could not each of you walk in Shadow and find yourself another Amber-like this one in all respects, save that you ruled there or enjoyed whatever other status you might desire?»

«Yes, we can locate such places,» I said.

«Then why is this not done, to have an end of strife?»