The Early Ayn Rand

He took me in his arms and kissed me. His lips were on mine; my arms — around his neck. It was for the last time, but it was. And no one can deprive me of it now.

He went with me outside. I called a taxi and entered it. I looked through the window: he was standing on the steps. The wind blew his hair and he was immobile like a statue. It was the last time I ever saw him.

I closed my eyes and when I opened them — the taxi was stopped before the station. I paid the driver, took my bag, and went to the train.

Gerald Gray was waiting for me. He had a brilliant traveling costume, a radiant smile, and a gigantic bouquet of flowers, which he presented to me. We entered the car.

At ten-fifteen there was a crackling, metallic sound, the wheels turned, the car shook and moved. The pillars of the station slipped faster and faster beyond us, then some lanterns, on corners of the dark streets, some lights in the windows. And the town remained behind us... The wheels were knocking quickly and regularly.

We were alone in our part of the car. Mr. Gray looked at me and smiled. Then he smiled again, as though to make me smile in answer. I sat motionless. "We are free and alone at last," he whispered and tried to put his arm around me. I moved from him.

"Wait, Mr. Gray," I said coldly. "We shall have time enough for that."

"What is the matter with you, Mrs. Stafford... Miss Wilmer, I mean?" he muttered. "You are so pale!"

"Nothing," I answered. "I am a little tired."

For two hours we sat, silent and motionless. There was nothing but the noise of the wheels around us.

After two hours' ride, there was the first station. I took my bag and rose. "Where are you going?" asked Mr. Gray, surprised. Without answer, I left the train. I approached the open window of the car where he sat looking at me anxiously, and I said slowly: "Listen, Mr. Gray: there is a millionaire in San Francisco waiting for me. You were only a means to get rid of my husband. I thank you. And don't ever say a word about this to anybody — they will laugh at you terribly."

He was stricken, furious and disappointed, oh, terribly disappointed- But as a perfect gentleman, he did not show it. "I am happy to have rendered you that service," he said courteously. The train moved at this moment. He took off his hat, with the most gracious politeness.

I remained alone on the little platform. There was an immense black sky around me, with slow, heavy clouds. There was an old fence and a wretched tree, with some last, wet leaves... I saw a dim light in the little window of the ticket office.

I had not much money, only what was left in my pocketbook. I approached the lighted window. "Give me a ticket, please," I said, handing over all my money, with nickels and pennies, all.

"To which station?" asked the employee shortly.

"To... to... That is all the same," I answered.

He looked at me and even moved a little back. "Say..." he began.

"Give me to the end of the line," I said. He handed me a ticket and pushed back some of my money. I moved from the window, and he followed me with a strange look.

"I shall get out at some station or other," I thought. A train stopped at the platform and I went in. I sat down at a window. Then I moved no more.

I remember it was dark beyond the window, then light, then dark again. I must have traveled more than twenty-four hours. Perhaps. I don't know.

It was dark when I remembered that I must alight at some station. The train stopped and I got out. On the platform I saw that it was night. I wanted to return to the car. But the train moved and disappeared into the darkness. I remained.

There was nobody on the wet wooden platform. I saw only a sleepy employee, a dim lantern, and a dog rolled under a bench, to protect himself from the rain. I saw some little wooden houses beyond the station, and a narrow street. The rails glittered faintly and there was a poor little red lantern in the distance.

I looked at the clock: it was three A.M. I sat on the bench and waited for the morning.

All was finished... I had done my work... Life was over...

I live in that town now. I am an employee in a department store and I work from nine to seven. I have a little flat — two rooms — in a poor, small house, and a separate staircase — nobody notices me when I go out or return home.

I have no acquaintances whatever. I work exactly and carefully. I never speak. My fellow workers hardly know my name. My landlady sees me once a month, when I pay my rent.

I never think when I work. When I come home — I eat and I sleep. That is all.

I never cry. When I look into a looking glass — I see a pale face, with eyes that are a little too big for it; and with the greatest calm, the greatest quietness, the deepest silence in the world.

I am always alone in my two rooms. Henry's picture stands on my table. He has a cheerful smile: a little haughty, a little mocking, very gay. There is an inscription: "To my Irene — Henry — Forever." When I am tired, I kneel before the table and I look at him.