The Compassionate Instinct

Importantly, gratitude can help alter the dynamics of couples’ division of labor. Expressing gratitude reminds the underperforming partner that the division of labor is not fair and that his partner’s contributions are a gift. And since people who receive gifts typically feel obligated to reciprocate, this insight can lead the underperforming partner to offer “gifts” of his own by contributing more to household tasks. In addition, the overperforming partner is likely to experience less resentment and frustration once her efforts are recognized and appreciated.

The economy of gratitude, then, helps to explain the fact that husbands and wives are most satisfied in their marriage when they perceive that their spouses do more than their fair share of the work. That is, when one views a partner’s household labor as a gift, over and above what is expected, then one is grateful and happy in the marriage. And, in turn, we have found that individuals who feel appreciated by their partners do indeed express less resentment over the division of labor and greater satisfaction with their relationships than do other study participants.

APPRECIATING GIFTS

So how can couples cultivate gratitude, compensate for different tolerances of disorder, and thus create more equitable divisions of household labor—and greater satisfaction with their relationship?

Part of the answer comes from simply being aware of these phenomena. Once one understands that, in a sense, one’s partner truly did not “see” the dirty dishes, piles of laundry, and overflowing garbage, one tends to be less angry and can discuss the issue more calmly and in a less accusatory fashion—which in turn can help one’s partner be less defensive.

In general, it is best to anticipate problems before they arise. Overperformers should avoid repetitively performing a task they don’t want to “own,” especially when first living with their partner. In other words, when you first move in with your romantic partner, be careful not to cook dinner every night—or you can expect to continue cooking it every night for the rest of your relationship. Take turns in the beginning so that you can both own the task down the line.

Overperformers can also communicate to their partner when a task should be performed, rather than waiting for the partner’s threshold level to be reached—and resenting them for their lack of awareness. Also, although underperformers may not perform a task to their partner’s standards, statements of appreciation—rather than criticism for not doing it right or for doing it too late—are more likely to encourage repetition.

It also helps if underperformers understand that their partners are more disturbed by a messy house, so they need to develop strategies to respond to the differences in threshold levels, such as performing a task even before it bothers them. Each partner can take responsibility for specific tasks that they perform on a schedule, regardless of whether they are disturbed by it—for instance, by taking out the garbage every Monday and Thursday, whether or not they think it needs to be done.

Finally, domestic partners may find it helpful to write down a list of their tasks and then switch lists for a week or month to better understand their partner’s contributions. They may be surprised to discover that their partner does far more than they thought. When her husband Jim was on crutches for two weeks, one of us (Jess) discovered that she did, in fact, perform more routine household labor, but she also discovered that Jim performed many of the “dirty” tasks that she really didn’t want to do. She then began to see the division of labor as more equitable.

The gratitude issue is thornier. But understanding the role of gratitude in the division of labor can encourage overperformers to take responsibility for fewer tasks so that these tasks are not taken for granted as “his” or “hers.” Also, understanding the economy of gratitude can help underperformers recognize that they do benefit from their partner’s efforts—that this work is, in fact, a gift to them, wrapped in clean laundry and vacuumed rugs. They might not be disturbed by disorder as early as their partners, but eventually they would be and would have to do the tasks themselves. Thus, their partners are performing tasks that, rightly, belong to both of them. And if partners practice some of the steps outlined above to create a more equitable division of labor, they’re likely to gain newfound appreciation for the work the other performs for them.