The Compassionate Instinct

Of course, managing to meet all five of these conditions that promote empathy all of the time is impossible, even for couples with many advantages in their lives. We know that it’s not enough to simply say, “Be more empathic” and “Don’t resort to blaming, unforgiving, contemptuous, or icy-silent behaviors.” Most couples would do these things if they could. What we are saying is this: empathy is so important to a relationship that if it appears to be low, partners must talk about ways that they can help each other to take a more empathic position. A first step in that direction might be to review an “empathy conditions checklist” to see whether anything can be done about any of the barriers to empathy that are affecting their lives.

WHAT IF COUPLES NEED HELP?

Our longitudinal studies of hundreds of families make it clear that life is stressful for most modern partners. Couples should pursue outside help if the partners have tried to create conditions to encourage more empathy and have failed to change the atmosphere between them. A consultation with a mental health professional might help get them started. An empathic helper who understands couples can often help improve the climate in which partners tackle their problems. Partners can learn gradually to take on this role themselves so that they can deal with future problems in more empathic and constructive ways.

Let’s return to Rick and Anna. After stewing in silence in different rooms, wondering whether their relationship will survive and wishing they could avoid these hurtful exchanges, Rick and Anna considered two choices. The first was to try to use some time together, possibly with the aid of some self-help books, to try to resolve some of the issues behind their conflicts. The second was to seek the help of a professional marriage counselor or couples therapist to teach them how to communicate more effectively. We are not able to predict which alternative would be more effective for them or for couples in similar situations. We do know that their impasse at this moment doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve lost the chance to feel that early enchantment again. At the moment, they are struggling with demands that make it difficult for them to empathize with one another and to feel the delight that they experienced when they first met. But we are confident that there are practical and realistic steps that Rick and Anna can take to begin to work through this challenge to their relationship. If they can renew their ability to feel empathy for each other, we believe that they will be capable of recapturing the friendship, romance, and happiness they experienced years ago.

LOVE, HONOR, AND THANK

Jess Alberts and Angela Trethewey

Q: Are you grateful for your partner’s household labor?

HIM: Uh, yeah, I guess so.

Q: How do you express it?

HIM: She just knows.

—From a focus group conducted by the authors

THE DIVISION OF HOUSEHOLD LABOR is one of the most frequent sources of conflict in romantic relationships. As research by Philip and Carolyn Cowan has shown, when partners feel that the division of labor (a combination of housework and paid work) in their relationship is unfair, they are more dissatisfied with their marriage and more likely to think they would be better off divorced. However, even an equitable division of labor may not be enough to ensure that partners are satisfied with their relationship.

As sociologist Arlie Hochschild and others have argued, a successful relationship doesn’t just depend on how partners divide labor, but on how they each express gratitude for the labor the other one contributes. This can be as true for single-income couples as for dual-income ones. When you perform work around the house—from cooking to laundry to checking your kids’ homework—it often feels like a burden to yourself and a gift to your partner. So if you don’t feel that your partner is grateful for your efforts, especially if you perform the lion’s share of domestic labor, that’s likely to exacerbate feelings of inequity and dissatisfaction, making a difficult situation even worse.

In our research, we set out to test this theory—that it’s not just the division of labor but the expression of gratitude that’s key to a strong and lasting relationship. Through focus groups, interviews, and surveys with people in heterosexual and same-sex relationships, we’ve found evidence that gratitude isn’t just a way to mitigate the negative effects of an unequal division of labor. Rather, a lack of gratitude may be connected to why that division of labor is so unequal to begin with.

Fortunately, through our research we’ve started to understand how couples can identify different reasons behind their unbalanced workloads and achieve more equity in their division of labor—cultivating a greater sense of fairness, satisfaction, and gratitude in their relationships.